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April 06, 2015

We want to come clean, before these tweets are dug up and used against us.

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Trevor Noah has inspired the staff to preemptively apologize for past tweets that may offend.

Twitter can get you a job just as easily as it can lose you one. In the uncertain climate of the Twitterverse there may be favs, there may be retweets, but one thing is for sure, not all tweets are going to knock it out of the park. Instead of leaving these tweets in the forgotten past, we unfortunately live in a world where your Twitter history can easily be accessed and, in the wrong context, may offend. Several Funny Or Die writers wanted to come clean on some of our old, awful tweets before they can be used against us.


Travis made the mistake of thinking people cared. Please note the time of tweet, the lack of favs, and the inevitable lack of retweets.

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Kerns was earnest on Twitter and sometimes in the comedy world, there is nothing more offensive than that.

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Head writer LP offers this apology and explanation: “I think I was just confused because you think cats and dogs are so different, but really, we’re all just animals. I shouldn’t label someone gay just by the food they eat. I don’t want people calling me straight when I eat casserole. I apologize if any cats or dogs were offended.”

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There may never be a time that joking about 9/11 will be completely OK, but goddamit if people aren’t going to try.

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Not a bad idea, but making light of a disease is always going to earn you at least a couple unfollows.

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Dash knows he fucked up and tries to back track with this half-assed explanation, “I kept finding weird colors of fabric lint in my belly button this week and thought it was leaving me at night when I slept to have adventures of its own, often returning with souvenirs that didn’t match the color of what I wore that day. Not only is this super dumb, and I should maybe quit pot forever, but it’s also a really worthless thing to share. I’m sorry.”

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So Jewish.

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How many times have you been at a strip club and run out of dollar bills? Instead of leaving, I thought it might be nice to have a credit card reader on person, so the strippers can continue to make money and the patron can still get the exhilarating feeling of human touch. In retrospect, this isn’t nice and these people shouldn’t be bothered if they are working.

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Safe to assume that Wes will never host The Daily Show.

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This is a valuable lesson that even though you think something, you are under no obligation to tweet it.

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After careful consideration, John reflects: “I should have pointed out that the term ‘beef curtains’ is not specifically mentioned under the First Amendment.”

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Scollins can never work in politics. Period.

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Jeb has feelings too, Melinda.

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Thank God Nate included his location. The only thing that would have been missing from this perfect tweet would have been where he thought to send it from. Also, there are two typos and you are a writer.

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Seems more like a Phoebe move…

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I cannot begin to understand what this means. If it were comprehensible, perhaps it would offend Jewish people?

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She could say the same about you.

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Trevor Noah we are not, but when it comes to tweets that can annoy, offend, or make no impact at all, we are all in the same boat and that boat is the Titanic.