Today I helped my friend Kerry put together her bed. It was from IKEA so it should have been pretty easy. The problem was Kerry is mildly retarded and bought a bed that did not have any bolts.
Me: Where are the bolts?
Kerry: What are bolts?
Me:The things that hold the bed together.
Kerry: Well what do they look like?
Me: Little metal things with threads and nuts?
Kerry: (giggling because I said "nuts") I didn't see any.
Me: I can't put it together without them.
Kerry: Just rig it.
Me: You can't "just rig it." it's a bed. it has to be sturdy so it doesn't collapse when you drunk ass passes out on it.
Kerry: then go buy some.
Me: It's YOUR bed.
Kerry: But I don't know what to get. If you go get them I'll let you try out the bed with me when it's done.
(She was serious. This would have been the best reason she ever had for having sex with someone. It's usually because they smiled at her or didn't punch her when she talked to them. She is a complete whore.)
Me: You have herpes.
Kerry: not right now.
Me: I'll pass.
Kerry: Your loss.
Me: If you consider not getting herpes a "loss."
Kerry: How do you know I have herpes?
Me: You told me.
Kerry: Oh well then I'll just pay someboedy to do it.
Me: I'll do it. But you will owe me.
Kerry: You can count on me.
Me: I might need you to give somebody I don't like herpes.
Kerry: Can we stop talking about herpes?