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October 26, 2012

Behind the scenes. A primer to the secret language of the tabloids.

Secrets of the Tabloid World.  From Khloe Kardashian to J.Lo.

Inching forward in the queue at the checkout counter I’ve often stared at tabloid covers and asked myself: who are those alien-looking people in the insets? I finally caved and bought a copy of the NATIONAL ENQUIRER, and, yup, it’s as I suspected. The tabloid scene unfolds in a world of its own. Let me guide you through the main features.

TIME passes for all of us, but in the tabs it comes with THEN and NOW photos. We, the ordinary people, generally age, while the tab people become younger. This isn’t because they live in a time warp, as I thought at first, but because they have cosmetic surgery. I know. This stuff goes on in the real world as well, but in the tabloid world, cosmetic surgery, although always DRASTIC, remains a SECRET until REVEALED in the ENQUIRER. By then it has turned into a NIGHTMARE, like Chris Jenner’s surgery, which “threatens to destroy her looks”.

WEIGHT is a problem for many of us, but in the tabloid world weight gain or loss is much like cosmetic surgery: DRASTIC and never without THEN and NOW photos. And it’s always indicative of SECRET developments. Monica Lewinsky, for example, is going through a cancer drama, at least in the eyes of the check-out counter readers. Insiders who actually read the paper discover that she doesn’t have cancer after all (whew!) although medical experts tell us that obesity puts her at risk and makes her a WALKING TIME BOMB. Now you’d think that people who lose weight will avoid those health risks, but that’s because you don’t understand the secret world of tabloids. In that environment, weight loss doesn’t make you slim and fit. It makes you SCARY-SKINNY and a SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF, like Sarah Palin who is WASTING AWAY. Her cheeks are sunken and her hips have disappeared. I’m not surprised she’s sparked a HEALTH ALARM. Matt Lauer and Matthew McConaughie haven’t sparked alarms as yet, although one looks FRAIL and GAUNT, and the other has WASHED AWAY to skin and bones.

BODY LANGUAGE. Watch out, celebs! In the tabloid world, reporters can read your every move. So here are some things you mustn’t do:

Touch your tummy. That means you are PREGNANT. Celebs carelessly putting their hands on their tummies run the risk of up to ten pregnancies a year in the tab world.

Lean forward. No one ever “leans forward” in tabs. They SLUMP and COLLAPSE, are STRICKEN with sadness and depression, or else are BOOZE-PLAGUED and end up in rehab.

Now let me turn to STAR and OK for three more insights into the secret Tabloid World.

IT’S A WAR ZONE.Exploding BOMBSHELLS are an everyday thing, as O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinski, and Angie can attest, but Matt Lauer went nuclear and had a MASSIVE MELTDOWN. Khloe K. and Lamar were lucky: they reached only the BOILING POINT although they had a BLOWOUT fight. And poor Britney can’t even have a mani-pedi without experiencing MAYHEM and screaming at people in a BRITISH ACCENT, OK tells us. I’m just glad Arnie Schwarzenegger wasn’t there. He would have screamed in a German accent, which is much much scarier.

Will there ever be peace in the Tabloid World? No, it’s a bloody battlefield out there, and everyone is just so DISTRAUGHT. Ashton and Mila Kunis, for example, had a HUGE BATTLE because she’s no longer pin-thin and he has GANGED UP on her with Dior. Meanwhile Lindsay and her mom got their pics into both STAR and OK because of their NEVER-ENDING WOES and permanent arguments that ESCALATED into a fight. Other celebs manage to keep it down to a FEUD, like Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez. Mind you, feuds are no fun either. They always come with a NEMESIS, and can be a regular SMACKDOWN.

BABIES ARE EVERYWHERE! Thank God for babies which bring joy to tabloid photogs, whether they come in HOT STROLLERS like Jenny Alba’s or HAND-ME DOWN T-shirts like tightwad Angie’s or are being DROPPED by scary mom Britney. Some like their babies cute, but Clare Danes and husband Hugh Dancy are just glad theirs is a HUMAN BEING and they felt profound relief. In fact, we are all breathing a profound sigh of relief because new mom Snooki has gotten used to NOT SLEEPING. By contrast, poor J.Lo feels no relief because she has BABY FEVER, according to OK. Watch out J.Lo or you’ll infect your baby! That’s what happened to Nick Lachey’s son who caught CINCINNATI BENGAL FEVER. To avoid all risk, we advise sticking with a PROSTHETIC BUMP like the one Sofia Vergara carried in Modern Family. Or even better, forget baby and opt for a dog, like Marissa Jaret Winokur, whose Lola is a regular show girl.

OLD AGE. Yes, amazingly and in spite of everything, some people in the Tabloid World are aging, and horrible things happen to them. Liam Neeson’s KNEES CREAK, Julianne Moore CAN’T STOP SWEATING. Matt Lauer (who had a massive meltdown, remember?) makes CATASTROPHIC MISTAKES and BARKS at his staff. Arnie Schwarzenegger only looks like he’s barking, but that’s because his dentist made catastrophic mistakes. Andy Cohen has turned into a CAMERA HOG and sneaks into celebrity photo ops. Only Brad has escaped the ravages of old age. His former golden locks “might be more salt and pepper now,” the Star says, but it adds to his SOPHISTICATION.

Great coverage, you say? No, I’m deeply disappointed with Star and OK. They forgot to include THEN and NOW photos, which as the Enquirer knows are essential to age-related features. So how can I be sure that Liam wasn’t born with creaky knees and Brad was less sophisticated in former days?