What the heck is going on? I just Redbox'ed the movie “Spy Kids” and am freaking appalled. This is absolutely insulting. Nothing in this movie even resembles what it’s like to be a spy kid, I would know, I am a real life kid spy.
In my short career I have been a part of dozens of classified missions for the CIA. I’ve prevented terrorist attacks on American soil, smuggled compromised files out of North Korea, and helped design code scrambling devices that protect the Air Force stations at Shindand Air Base. What I have never done, however, is any of the crap that the kids do in the movie “Spy Kids.”
Let me start off by stating a simple fact about real life kid spies: none of us have families. None of us have mommy or daddy spy parents. None of us went to private school. We are all orphans and have been programed from day one to be emotionless child soldiers. So out of the gates this film raised some red flags.
There is no fun, no jet packs, no lasers. There is only espionage and violence.
As a real life kid spy, I have gone up against some of the world’s nastiest war criminals, terrorists, and dictators. The antagonist of “Spy Kids"is a children’s TV show host. He’s essentially Steve from Blues Clues. I lost a finger knife-fighting Boris Kusnetsov on top of a train in Turkey. Boris is the son of the man that actually killed JFK. These spy kids took a whole movie just to stop some Pee-Wee Herman looking mother fucker. It’s just straight up insulting.
As a kid secret agent, I’ve dedicated my life to protecting this country along with all the innocent people of the world…but the only thing I am ever compered to is Robert Rodriguez’s 2001 disaster of a film “Spy Kids.” This movie is an absolute hit piece on adolescent espionage and makes me hate myself. The only redeeming factor of it all is that the movie is so dumb, unrealistic, and over-the-top that it probably got panned by the critics and lost millions of dollars. OH WAIT, THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MADE $147 MILLION WORLDWIDE AND WAS PRAISED BY CRITICS.
Well, that’s it. That’s all I needed. My life’s work, everything I’ve sacrificed, has been immortalized by a CGI filled, seizure inducing shit show. So, Director Mike Pompeo of the Central Intelligence Agency, consider this my letter of resignation. I do not wish to continue dedicating my life to something that is regarded by the public as a funny premise for a summer popcorn flick. And to Alexa Vega, Daryl Sabara, Antonio Banderas, and the rest of the cast and crew that worked on Spy Kids, Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams, Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, and Spy Kids: All the Time in the World, hear this: I am a trained killer without a job because of you. Watch your asses.
With great hate in my heart,
Lieut. Sam Naismith, former Kid Agent