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Published October 27, 2008

This beautiful and potentially serene Autumn evening brings me to you in a bit of a state. As the evening wore down and I found myself aching for sustenance, a delicious and succulent Bologna sandwich surfaced (with a dab of mayo and two slices of american cheese. And why the fuck is it spelled bologna? It's BOLONGI!) so I fucking ate it!

 

Now I have and hate heartburn. I haven't had heartburn since I was pregnant...and I hated it then. So, I am currently thinking of ways to destroy it. And I'm not talking tums. I mean, murder it.

I'd like to take a stick, shove it up heartburns ass, and light it on fire.

I'd like to put heartburn in a headlock, then slowly lower it's forehead onto the upturned bed of a belt sander.

I'd like to take heartburn to tea, practice origami with heartburn, and then watch laughing maniacally as heartburn collapses, his mouth afroth, his meaty face turning blue as he succumbs to seizures brought on by the cyanide in his tea.

 

If you can think of a better way to kill it, let me know! and don't say tums. Cause I got plans for tums too.

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