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Published September 28, 2009 More Info »
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Published September 28, 2009

Proctor & Gamble’s New Line

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

With every great idea or product, there is always Satan lurking behind the scenes trying to figure how to take God’s creative gift to man and turn it into another apple.

The internet is probably the best idea since Edison was tinkering in his cellar with some wires; got a 120 watt shock and said “Fuck- that hurts!”- then noticed the spectacles he was wearing were starting to glow.

But the internet begat spam, child porn on demand, and an ability for Bill O’Reily to spew his drivel to the militia bible belters in Kentucky who hung a census worker last week.[1]

When I read a story called “Hand Sanitizer ingredients stir controversy”, I knew ol’ Hell Boy was trying to screw with God’s plan again.

Here we are at the beginning of the H1N1 flu epidemic, where every health official is screaming “Wash your hands as much as an obsessive/compulsive! And for the love of God, kids, use the sanitizer that’s within every two feet of anywhere you walk in school!”

 

I use hand sanitizer all the time. It’s by the desk, in the kitchen; I even have a small bottle in the car. It gets rid of the Subway onions very well. It’s like a cold towel when I splash it on my face in the morning because I’m too lazy to go upstairs and use a washcloth. Like Listerine, it’s got a strong antiseptic smell and takes on germs as well as we did the Germans at Normandy.

But it’s 50% alcohol- 100 Proof for you liquor newbies.

Some officials are concerned it can be used as an intoxicant.

Despite enjoying a Glenlivet that I can ill afford now myself, I’ve never sat here, said “I need a drink” and thought about pouring it in my mouth- never mind swallowing it. It just doesn’t smell that good—like how gas does. Not that I’ve ever took a gulp of that either, mind you. I just remember toying with the thought as a 7 year old. I learned soon that’s a bad idea because little Johnny from South Street- the kid who you could get to swallow paper clips and dog shit for two cents and a piece of Bazooka- landed in the ER when someone dared him to swig some 93 octane.[2]

Kindergartners are calling it “Magic Soap:”

They apparently already know that ‘magic’ can make you laugh and raise your attraction level to your 27 year old teacher, Ms Stewart, to “I Wuv You” levels, even if you’re not sure what you really ‘want’ from her.

 

I know what’s going to happen.

The FDA will ban push top self dispensers when reports of 7th graders, sticking their mouths underneath them like they’re using the water fountain, are found running naked outside during recess- claiming to simply be practicing for their new school production of Hair.

 

But before that happens, the Marketing Department at P&G will suggest that R&D start developing flavors- or at least add Red Dye #5 and cherry scent to make it smell more ‘fresh ‘n fruity’. That will leave the folks at Smirnoff wondering why their Ice line sales are tanking.

 

PG VP- “Guys, if Phillip Morris can make Apple Camels, we can certainly do better. We gotta get these 10 year olds hooked before voting age so they can be lifer customers and repeal any laws the goddamn liberal health nuts sign saying our sanitizer cannot be sold without ID.

And, besides, that raspberry sorbet sample does taste pretty good! Can we get a tie in with Jello shots? Throw in some Red Bull? Let’s get moving!”

 

But then—on I-95 in Fairfield at 2 a.m. on a Saturday, a 16 year old female from Weston is pulled over by Ct State Troopers for going 97 and flashing truckers-

 

Cop- “Miss, have you been drinking?”

Girl (slurring) “Officecerrr, I only had a ½ ounce of this Menthol anti bacterial lotion” (Pours some, spilling most, rubs on hands, begins to lick fingers ravenously. Cop mildly aroused).

“Smell my breath—isn’t it great?”

Cop- “Miss, step out of the car”

Girl- “If I kiss you, will that help me out of this? I’ll even use tongue---“

 

We may even learn that sanitizer works well as a ‘stay hard’ substitute. P&G will partner with Viagra. Oral sex in middle schools will be reported on an alarming uptick. Parental advisors and pamphlets will follow with “Watch for these signs--“

 

 

Damn ye Satan to hell!



[1] Watch for next blog “Nightmare off Elm St.” coming soon.

[2] That never happened.

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