Dear Fox News,
Privyet. Good day to you. I write to demand you issue apology for your Bill O’Reilly calling me a killer. No, he is a killer. You are a killer. I am not a killer. America has the killers. Your president says so. Listen to him. He is a winner. Very strong. He knows what he wants and that you have to grab it. He is a brave man. Even brave enough to sit in the same room with a killer like Bill O’Reilly.
So you will apologize for calling me a killer. I am waiting. If you do not apologize for calling me a killer, I will kill you.
Do not think that I cannot get you. It is easy to me. Maybe I will ride into your home on a huge Russian horse on a huge Russian tank shirtless showing off my huge Russian muscles. Or maybe I will have famous Russian hackers sneak me through your computers into your weak American bedrooms. Or maybe one day you will be enjoying dressed herring that you think does not have poisoning from polonium-210, but that is what I want you to think! What will you do? Never eat dressed herring again?
I have many friends in America. Friends with power. Friends who own many buildings and live in large houses, large white houses. They know I am not a killer.
You are lucky. I give you chance to apologize for calling me a killer. I have killed many men for less.
Not a Killer,