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April 20, 2010


In my opinion, HD television -- be it LED or Plasma -- is about the only worthwhile thing that’s come out of modern civilization.

I mean, come on -- it’s a big fucking beautiful rectangle in the middle of your living room. Everything just looks so bright and vibrant and lifelike. And the best thing is you can finally watch a movie as it was intended to be watched -- without having to crop out the edges just so it can fit inside the confinement of a square box.

I don’t know if you heard or not, but Samsung just introduced the world’s first 3D LED television:

And I don’t know how you feel about this innovation, but to the fine people at Samsung, I would just like to say -- go fuck yourselves.

Who the fuck asked for 3D television? And more importantly, who the fuck needs it???

No one.

3D movies are a bunch of bullshit. I saw Avatar in 3D and I had two big problems with it.

First of all, for a movie about a bunch of giant naked blue savages running around, there wasn’t nearly enough blue nipple slippage:

That’s right. I was kinda hoping to see what a blue areola looked like -- which, BTW, would have been nice -- especially after all the blue cock we had to endure in Watchmen:

More importantly, the whole experience just gave me a huge headache. And I had to keep taking the 3D glasses off because they kept bugging my nose.

But honestly, does a transparent image floating six inches in front of the movie screen make the movie-going-experience that much more enjoyable??

NO!!! It’s a fucking gimmick to take more of your fucking money!!!

So calm the fuck down, people. Seriously, What do you want next -- to have them download the friggin’ movie into your eyeballs?? Because that’s what’s next if the home entertainment people have their way.

And that’s my point. The problem isn’t with us -- we’re just a helpless bunch of mindless idiots trained to gobble up whatever stupid gadget they put in front of us.

The problem is with the greater Home Entertainment Industry at large. And to the greater Home Entertainment Industry, I’d just like to say on behalf of the greater electronic consumer community: It’s enough -- cut the fucking shit out already.

Remember the VCR?

The VCR lasted almost twenty years before it was replaced by the DVD player:

But in less than ten years after the DVD was introduced, it was replaced by not one, but two new competing HD DVD formats -- HD DVD and Blu-Ray DVD:

And I understand the necessity for an updated DVD format. DVD’s were designed for the old television models, and there was a need for a DVD that could match HD television.

But the whole HD DVD/Blu-Ray battle was retarded because it forced the consumer to choose between two different versions of basically the same thing. Fortunately, I was smart enough to wait by the sidelines until there was a clear victor -- but there were many saps out there who invested a lot of money into HD DVD only to have it become a dead technology within a couple of months.

And now the same cock suckers who pulled the HD DVD/Blu-Ray stunt are trying to lay this 3D TV shit on us.


For Christ’s sake, slow the fuck down and let everyone catch their breaths.

Now that we have Blu-Ray DVDs, can we please just relax for another fifteen or twenty years before you A-holes toss them aside for 3D DVDs, or Hologram DVDs, or Virtual Movies, or whatever futuristic, high-tech, Matrix bullshit you’re cooking up?

Seriously, I’m really sick of having to update my movie collection. I just purchased Caddyshack on Blu-Ray -- after already purchasing it on VHS and DVD -- and I don’t need to see any golf balls flying at me in 3D, so just stop it.

If anything, you guys should go work in Detroit because if the automobile industry advanced their technology as fast as the home entertainment industry does, we’d all be flying around in fart-powered hover cars: