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October 06, 2013

Impress your friends and lovers with these unbelievable manatee facts!


1. Manatees can remain submerged underwater for up to 15 minutes.

2. The world’s oldest manatee is Snooty, a 65 year old male in Florida who's actually kind of a douche. 

3. Manatees are mostly herbivores, but, like, if everyone at happy hour orders chicken fingers, it’s not like they’re gonna not eat the chicken fingers or anything so just chill.


4. A manatee is better than John Travolta. By any measure.

5. Manatees are protected by the Endangered Species Act, which means those Nutella banana manatee smoothies you’ve been making are not exactly street legal.


6. The 1997 anonymously-written movie Attack of the Killer Manatee is widely to be considered the Citizen Kane of killer manatee movies.
7. 20 percent of manatees still use Hotmail.

8. Manatees have never seen Full House, but if they ever did, their favorite episode would probably be the one where DJ wins Beach Boys tickets on the radio. That one was pretty good.

9. No manatees were murdered during the making of Road Rash (the Sega CD version).

10.If you wanted to refer to teenage manatees, you could call them “manateens.” Eh?

11. The vast majority of manateens do not celebrate Halloween. ManaTEENs.

12. If manatees had machetes instead of those limp paddle arms, they would be pretty fucking scary.

13. The Harry Potter movies were originally going to be a series of Dadaist black and white art house films using violent manatee pornography as an allegory for the rise of mass consumerism in post-World War II America, but at the last minute the studio decided to base them on the popular J.K Rowling novels of the same name.

14. Manatees do not like the new Arcade Fire single. “We get it -- it’s just a reflektor. Whatever that means.” -A manatee.

15. Less than one third of Jewish manatees say they belong to a synagogue.

16. Nine times out of ten, if a manatee is eating lunch at his desk, it’s because he’s trying to look busy – not because he really can’t afford to take a lunch break.

17. The relationship between the manatee and the dugong is very similar to the relationship between Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed (used to be rivals, then became great friends/workout buddies until one of them was punched to death by Ivan Drago in an exhibition fight).

18. In Florida, it is technically legal to shoot and kill unarmed teenage manatees (manateens!).

19. The reason so many millennial manatees are unhappy is because they developed unrealistic expectations for success in childhood.

20. A manatee is really just a dolphin that let himself go.