Hey there sports fans, Chet Strickland here. It's been too long so let's get right down to business.
NFL: The NFL Players Association and owners are still stuck in a stalemate over the new Collective Bargaining Agreement. The players refuse to bend on their stance, in favor of the controversial "O.J. Clause", which allows players bonus incentives for not killing white women. Elsewhere: Brett Favre is holding a press conference to contemplate his triumphant return to the over 40, Tuesday night pick up hoops game at the local middle school.
WNBA: Two handed bounce passes are alive and well.
MLB: On April 15th, 'Jackie Robinson Day' was celebrated to commemorate Robinson's breaking of the sound barrier in 1947. Elsewhere: After spending 2 weeks with his wife and children, Andy Pettitte is contemplating a return to the Yankees, where he will then talk to the press about how much he misses his wife and children.
NHL: The first African-American NHL player (In Boston no less), Willie O'Ree, was honored for being either "The Craziest or Bravest Motherfucker to Ever Live".
NBA: Antoine Walker is taking a bad shot somewhere. Elsewhere: For the 15,000th time, some drunk guy did the time-out hand signal to Chris Webber.
PGA: Tiger Woods is reportedly thinking about the possibility of what it would be like to sleep with a black woman.
Boxing: "Sugar" Shane Moseley is gearing up for the ass beating of a lifetime, when he faces Manny Pacquiao on May 7th. "It's not every day you get a chance to get your skull caved in by the best. I'm really looking forward to getting a relentless pounding for ten rounds. If I'm lucky".
Bowling: In Lincoln, NE, three men had to be rushed to the hospital with their penises all caught in the same bowling ball. They claimed it to be a freak accident.
Tennis: In Newport, RI, 28 year old Tim Simpson, masturbated into the closest thing he could find (his old Nomar Garciaparra t-shirt) while watching two Russian-sounding tennis players.
Lacrosse: Lacrosse players along the east coast contend that lacrosse is the fastest growing sport in America. Everyone outside of the east coast continues to ask, "What the fuck is lacrosse?"
Soccer: Christiano Ronaldo challenges Tom Brady for "People Magazine's Sexiest Man in Human History". Other nominees include Paul Newman, Jesus, and Malcom X.
NASCAR: Rednecks watch cars go around in circles.