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August 08, 2012

The recent gaunt appearance of Macauley Culkin is an effect of his parents abandoning him as a child.

The recent gaunt appearance of former child star Macauley Culkin is apparently not due to heroin addiction. Rather, sources report that he’s been abandoned for over 20 years.

“His parents left to go to Paris in 1990 and simply forgot him,” the source says. “You’d think they’d have been back by now, but I guess it’s easy to lose track of your youngest child amidst the hustle and bustle of international travel.”

The strain of raising himself was visible on Culkin, who has seemingly survived on a diet of cheese pizza and speaks exclusively in dialogue from ‘30s-era gangster films. Furthermore, he repeatedly made reference to a need to defend his home from “wet bandits.”

Perhaps most puzzling of all was Culkin’s insistence that Oscar-winning actor Joe Pesci was trying to murder him. When reached for comment, Pesci denied the allegation, but admitted to threatening to “bite off all his little fingers, one at a time.”