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January 12, 2018
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This is a recent piece rejected from McSweeney's. Still, unfortunately, topical.

This news comes from a Bikini Bottom News Special Report detailing numerous accusations against fanciest resident and unibrow aficionado Squilliam Fancyson.


Nineteen sea creatures have come forward to accuse Fancyson of sexual misconduct, molestation, harassment, and assault. Reporter Perch Perkins conducted interviews with the victims over several months. While some gave video testimonials, all wished to remain anonymous due to Fancyson’s history of influence among Bikini Bottom residents.

“He took me out with a group of his friends for an evening of Fine Dining and Breathing,” says one of the blurred victims, “but after a comedic calamity at the local restaurant, Squilliam made me suck eggs in front of everyone at his balloon/casino afterparty. It was humiliating”

Another victim claims that Squilliam was “emotionally manipulative” promising a chance to sing at the annual Bubble Bowl Half Time Show in exchange for a sensual unibrow massage. When the victim refused, Squilliam became violent. “He was calling me a bottom feeder, saying I was worthless. He was choking me…threatening to give the performance to his arch-enemy Squidward. I can still feel his suction-cups on my neck.” This victim has since stopped performing.

Perch goes on to detail accounts of Fancyson exposing himself to servants in his Squilliam’s Tower estate, groping an interpretive dance partner during a performance, and sending unsolicited inappropriate photographs to the design team responsible for the short-loved statue of himself in the town square.

Squilliam Fancyson refused to comment on these allegations.

This report is the most recent in a string of accusations against Bikini Bottom residents. As of yesterday, Larry the Lobster has been placed on administrative leave as Goo Lagoon lifeguard. Rock Bottom resident and mayoral candidate Red Angler Fish is accused of pedophelia. And it seems like every day a new citizen comes forward to accuse The Dirty Bubble, whose trial begins next month.

These accusations are a constant reminder that male sea creatures need to be conscious of their actions, be willing to listen to and defend female counterparts, and be aware of the inherent power dynamics that exist in our underwater society. It is time for nautical nonsense like this to end. Under the sea or on land, these actions have no home.

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