She called things off and your life is over. Womp. Your instincts may tell you to indulge in a gallon of ice cream, break out the N64 for a round of Mario Kart where you pretend Peach is your ex and knock her off the cliff, or possibly put her photo in the urinal/center of your dart board! But you have to be wary: these outlets may cause weight gain or accidental psychopathy.
So put down the spoon and darts, and follow these healthy and productive post breakup tips!
Tip #1: Talk To Others
Talking to others about what went wrong will help you process your emotions so you’ll be able to move on quickly. The more people you talk to, the better you’ll feel.
Think about all the attention you will get in a group if you tell them she ended it. Shed one tear, and you can triple that attention. Someone may even buy you a pity drink! So hit the bars and meet new people! You can never go wrong with stories about your ex. Utilize pity to find yourself a rebound!
Use social media to tell the whole world at once that you are girlfriendless. Post articles with titles like “10 Reasons Why Being Single Is Totally Awesome.” Girls you don’t remember meeting but are Facebook friends with will see this and be like “Oh, Andy is single now. Maybe I should say ‘hi.’”
Tip #2: Give Back
Giving back to your community has been shown to improve well-being and help relieve depression.
So donate. Then when you inevitably find your rebound, tell her how good donating to charity made you feel. When you end things with her after a week, she will be devastated and give to charity as a way to feel good about herself.
Now you have a new mission: to date women for just enough time to hurt them enough to donate money to charity. I recommend they donate to pediatric cancer.
Tip #3: Start the Rebound Cycle
After your break up, you found a girl and ended it with her. But she was more into you than you thought. Now she needs a rebound. Pretty soon, the whole world is looking for a rebound instead of a lover. And after each rebound, they all donate to charity.
This cycle will strengthen our economy as it creates new jobs: web developers will be needed in flocks to create sites like rebound.com, BlackPeopleRebound.com, ChristianRebound.com, and 4GetMyXBootyCall.net. Jobs will be on the rise, and your rebound could be the start of it!
Be careful. You’re not just looking for any rebound: you’re looking for potential donors, so get out there and break some hearts (for the kids!)
Tip #4: Fulfill Your Childhood Fantasies
You grew up watching Batman, Spiderman, and The Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. Now it’s your turn to be the super hero.
After you spend 50 years moving from city to city breaking hearts for charity, people will start talking. Be sure to change your alias every 6 months or so, to ensure the ladies don’t know who is really taking them out for a date.
Kids in cancer wards across the country will be drawing pictures of what they guess “Heartbreak-for-Charity-Man” looks like. At Halloween, everyone will dress up like you. For a short time, you’ll have made childhood you proud.
Tip#5: Start Drinking
Now that your aliases are famous, no one will fall for the heartbreak for charity trick. Actually, people completely stopped donating specifically to pediatric cancer because of your alias. That’s a lot to live with!
Sure, no one has tracked it back to you (yet), but you still feel the need to hide from society. You wasted 50 years of your life avoiding love and now you have nothing to show for it.
You could have been an athlete, teacher, animal trainer, or so many other great professions, but you wasted your life hurting others instead. Pick up the bottle and start forgetting.
Just follow those 5 tips, in order, and I promise you a successful breakup.