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Published January 25, 2011

Opening Credits - Snowy Mountain tops… Already starting on a bad note seeing as how both “stars” are underwater creatures… or are they?

:03 min in : Hot blonde chick… all will be forgiven if she goes topless.

** already showing signs of why this was straight to DVD **

:07 – Whales are trying to commit suicide by ramming their heads into icebergs.  Thinking of doing the same.

:08 – Giant Octopus spotting… I’ve seen bigger

:10 - Realizing the chick is actually a 7.  I guess every girl gains +2 points when they are driving a submarine.  But on land, not impressed.

:13 – Scientists drinking wine coolers out of brown paper bags. Nice…

:15 – First black guy spotted… Obviously gonna be a dead man.  Or hero? Not likely, this movie seems water based, he’s at a disadvantage.

:18 - EPIC MOMENT – Shark realistically jumped 30,000 feet in the air and bit an airplane.  OOOO now I get it, MEGA SHARK.

:28 – Actors come to the conclusion that a Giant Octopus and Mega Shark are terrorizing the oceans, while the Feds try to keep it under wraps.  Actors don’t seem to have any concern over the findings.

:30 - Shark takes out a military-grade submarine. Obviously a standard move. I’d like to note that you never see the shark near the submarine, obviously the submarine shouldn’t have been in the sharks way.  This movie is shocking me with its realism.

:32 - Soldier wearing sunglasses in a dark room… Douchebag.  But thanks for serving our country in this movie.

:40 – Chick and Nerdy Asian scientist share an awkward kiss mid dorky conversation.  While creepy soldier with sunglasses is staring at them, gun in hand.  Sounds like she propositioned the asian dude to “take a walk”. Which in nerdy scientist language means “let’s make some sex”.  But doubtful.

:41 – Initiate sex and finish within the same minute (I’m being generous).  Not impressed buddy…not impressed.  Try taking your mind elsewhere, you’d add some minutes to your performance.

:45 - Octopus instinctively bitch slaps a fighter jet out of mid-air.  No one seems entirely concerned about it.  I bet that jet fighter pilot had a family.  I’m sure convincing them what happened won’t be too difficult.

:48 – My dog is humping my other dog… Not in a classy way though.

:52 – Weird pony-tail guy refers to the shark as “coming faster than a jet”… He should’ve said that about the asian scientist guy.  ZING!

:55 - Shark almost swallows submarine whole… Now I’m finding inconsistencies with the sharks size.  Oh well, I won’t argue because this is awesome.

:58 - Another douche bag soldier with sunglasses on indoors.  Never gets old.

1:00 – Propose the idea of having the monsters kill each other.  I’m taking the shark.  Octopus is a pussy. Octopussy.

Current Kill Count:

Shark – Airplane, 2 Submarines, and a Blue whale.

Octo…pussy – one measly jet.

1:06 - Awkward skype session between chick and asian dude… He tells her he always thinks about the 40 seconds they shared in the broom closet.

1:09 – Octopus took out 5 subs at once.  Obviously a strong 4th quarter performer.

1:13 – Submarine captain has huge ugly birthmark on his head.  Do you feel better now Drew Brees?

1:15 – Either the octopus is fighting the shark… Or they are making sex, in the style of which dogs do.

*** According to the movie, San Francisco and Japan are only like a 10 min submarine ride away from each other.  Thats sound geography as far as I’m concerned ***

1:21 - Octopus and Shark fight commences.  Just a series of head butts.  No counter punches or anything. Seems like both just gave up and decided to die together.

1:24 - Chick and Nerdy Asian scientist reunite and talk about living together… Seems a bit rushed and drastic, I’m sure they won’t end up regretting that decision.

The End.

Overall:  I don’t really know why everyone was shouting the whole movie.  Best actors were clearly the shark, and octopus.

Rating:   2 shits/5 shits

Pleasant surprise – Black guy didn’t die.  Touche MSGO.  Touche.

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