Grandma and Grandpa lead a healthy, active lifestyle.
But despite their lifetime of companionship, mutual love, and avoidance of osteoporosis, there's one area of their lives that has begun to... fall a little short of expectations.
Grandpa assumes it's just stress from the hectic demands of retirement, but when the problem doesn't go away, he decides to confide in his son.
"Um, Buzz? I've been having some issues... down south," Grandpa begins.
"You mean at your summer home in Florida?"
Sigh. "No, not exactly..."
"Ohhhh, are you having that not-so-fresh feeling?"
"You're thinking of the wrong commercial."
Grandpa rolls his eyes and gives up. On his way home, he begins weighing his options.
"The television tells me that this is "the age of knowing how to get things done" and that I should discuss almost everything with my doctor. The TV has never steered me wrong before, so..."
A few days and one trip to the pharmacy later...
"Our problems are solved! Meet me in the bedroom!"
A few minutes later...
"This doesn't seem to be working," Grandma sighs.
"I know where we went wrong," exclaims Grandpa, being very careful not to get his heart rate up too high, per the doctor's orders. "We only listened to part of what the television told us to do - we still have to do the rest before I'll be back up to my old standards."
Grandma is ready to try anything, so they pack a typical bag for a day trip: Poise pads, days-of-the-week pill divider, peppermint candies for the bottom of Grandma's purse in case they pass by some youngsters, seven or eight spare sweaters, Aspercreme, Old Spice, and a freshly pressed hankie for Grandma to tuck up her sleeve.
With that, they're off to try everything the TV suggested would perk up the old love life.
"Is this sexy yet?"
Exhausted and dejected, the two lovebirds head home.
"Look at that, it's 4:30 - way past dinnertime! Would you like a snack, dear?" asks Grandma.
"Sure," Grandpa responds. He watches her at work, humming softly to herself, just as she has since the early days of their marriage. The years melt away and he suddenly sees her as his young bride again, except instead of making their old favorite snack of Cheetos and tequila shots, she's arranging prunes on a plate and retrieving two cans of Ensure.
"Why Ted, you old silver fox!" giggles Grandma. "You haven't gotten frisky in the kitchen for 30 years!"
"I have another surprise for you," says Grandpa. "The medicine is working! The television was right - things are really looking up!"
Four hours later...
"Oh dear, it's still working. Better call the doctor again."
Consult your physician and the fire marshal before attempting to put the spark back into a dry relationship.
Aside from the obvious one, commonly observed side effects for this drug include: headaches and nausea, often triggered by exposure to blue hair dye, annoyance with drafty rooms, frequent visits to IHOP, persistent delusion that combovers provide realistic hair coverage, refusal to turn on the air conditioning, dizziness resulting from the rapid pace of technological advancement, strong urge to talk about The Good Old Days, and an uncontrollable desire for kids to get off your damn lawn.