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February 16, 2009


     First I would like to thank George W. Bush, boredom and alcoholism for the following story/facts. Apparently some classy folks in the Midwest that like to party found out a much faster, cheaper and lest we forget SEXIER way to get themselves drunk. These overachievers discovered that an alcoholic beverage up the fart line will be absorbed directly into the bloodstream bypassing all that stomach and liver nonsense our dumb mouths put our booze through (known as "God's Design Flaw" in the Newish Testament). So instead of drinking 6 shots in 10 minutes to be drunk by 9:30am (I'm looking at you dad!) you can have the same affect with two shots directly in the mud covered wagon wheel by 9:05 instead... that's a savings of about ten bucks* and 25 minutes. Thank you science. You're thinking there is a catch but there really isn't, save for a little embarrassment at a family reunion or something. Oh there was one other thing... what was it? Ummmm... oh! You might die from alcohol poisoning because the liver allegedly does some important stuff... like metabolizing alcohol and keeping it from killing you.

     Okay, most of you here don't know me.  The truth is; I've never experienced being drunk so I can't understand why that extra 25 minutes is so unbearable. When it comes to sticking things in people's asses it generally takes a lot of effort and convincing (or a promise to a Frat brother). It's not easy to find someone that will so easily be convinced to allow an object into their Deuce ex Machina. Trust me on this... I know. Now I find out that all you have to do is promise ten dollars and 25 saved minutes? Hell, if people are THAT desperate to get drunk more efficiently I'm gonna start soaking my dick in some Jack Daniel's whenever I meet a lady friend. I'll call it a "Jack&Cock" because I'm clever.

     "Tim, didn't you bring up George W. in the beginning of this? Where does he fit in?" Read between the lines; this blog wasn't just about being drunk. This is a direct reflection of the previous administration and the state of the economy. People are so goddamned desperate for escape and soooo strapped for cash they doing shots in the ass to get drunk cheaper and faster. Couple that with all of that free time the unemployed are currenty enjoying (including yours truly) and you have things like this alcohol enema situation. Obama Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope! Idle hands are the Devil's play thing and if this stimulous plan doesn't do what it's supposed to do we're gonna come up with our own stimulous plans and start shoving all kinds of crazy things up our asses. Good for an adult film called "The American Dream"; bad for... everything else.

*I'm assuming one would buy a bottle of liquor for about 15-20 bucks and bring it home and NOT pay 5 bucks a shot at the bar and do it in front of strangers. If this is NOT the case please let me know when you would like me to buy you a few drinks.