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January 12, 2016

You should probably plan what you want to do with the $1.5 billion anyway, though, just in case.

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The jackpot amount is so big that it broke this sign.

Chances are very slim you will win the Powerball jackpot this week, which is set at $1.5 billion. The odds are one in 292,000,000, to be exact. But that being said, those aren’t the worst odds in town. All of the following scenarios are even less likely to happen than you winning the lottery.

  • All of the Church Of Scientology’s beliefs are proven to be factually accurate.
  • Donald Trump makes out with a Muslim on live television.
  • George R.R. Martin drops the new Game Of Thrones book as a total surprise and without any forward warning, Beyoncé style.
  • A vegan eats a meal without saying to those in earshot, “I’m a vegan.”
  • The North Korean H-bomb test was actually the world’s loudest dubstep concert.
  • Jeopardy starts letting contestants just answer the question rather than having to phrase it in the form of a question.
  • El Chapo is released from prison to direct his own biopic.
  • We find out Obama has been pulling a reverse–Mrs. Doubtfire this whole time.
  • The Philadelphia 76ers win Super Bowl 50.
  • Ted Cruz learns what it means to be a real boy.
  • America admits Mexico rules and we’ve been assholes to them for years now.
  • Yahoo! figures out how to switch over to a solvent business model vs. their current plan of being the internet equivalent of garbage crammed into a raccoon den for the winter.
  • A balding man with a long ponytail wears a shirt other than tie-die.
  • Your mother leaves a voicemail that doesn’t say, “It’s mom, call me back.”
  • Both Republicans and Democrats cheer for the same thing at the State of the Union.
  • The NFL bans tackling.
  • You spill your wine at dinner and your date is honest when they say,“It’s not a big deal.”
  • You keep your chill when you see David Byrne standing in front of you in line at the post office.
  • A restaurant has fruit salad without honeydew, the armpit of fruits.
  • You win the U-17 National Soccer Championships, and you’re not under 17 or on the team!
  • You get in the habit of flossing regularly enough that your dentist comments on your “significant gum health improvement.”
  • Your friend Stuart mans up and apologizes for that dick move he made when you were playing COD last week.
  • Kanye West smooches George W. Bush on the lips.
  • That annoying person in your office who always slacks off but seems to get away with it wins the Powerball, proving to you once and for all that the universe is an unjust quagmire where chaos reigns.