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September 24, 2014
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The fossil fuel industry announces their greatest achievement yet: technology that allows trees to run on gas generators.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

A New Breakthrough Finally Allows Trees To Run On Fossil Fuels

By The Fossil Fuel Research Association Of America

Houston, TX - Recently a team of scientists from the US and UK announced they have taken the first step toward “hacking” photosynthesis by figuring out how to modify the Rubisco enzyme in plants. While we commend this team on their effort, we regret to inform them that our team of coal and oil scientists has already hacked this problem and today we are ready to roll out our newest innovation: fossil fuel generators that attach to roots of trees and power them without needing the sun at all! Finally, a solution for tree growth that doesn’t rely on inefficient and unproven solar technology. Trees, remove your leaf-shackles, you are slaves to the sun no more!

In early next year companies like ExxonMobil and BP will be proud to begin rolling out our lines of tiny generators that attach to the roots of trees sending life sustaining electrical power up through the plant’s xylem, powering not only its branches but also its flowers, berries and bark. Each generator functions as tiny power plant and together they supplant the need for the inefficient and eye-sore inducing solar powered leaves plants currently use. As a courtesy we will remove all the now useless leaves from these plants and cauterize the buds so they can never grow back again. Can you imagine the convenience of never having to sweep up leaves from your yard again? No THATS progress.

And the groundbreaking discoveries don’t stop there. You may be asking yourself, who is responsible for loading the coal, oil and natural gas into these generators? And who is responsible for cleaning out the exhaust tubes that will be piping the generator’s smoke out of the ground and into the air? Well don’t worry, it’s not you! Each tiny power plant is run by a worm in a miner hat. Why the miner hat? Every miner hat is actually in place to control the rudimentary nervous system of a worm through a series of unpredictable and very painful electroshocks (the worm’s hat’s charge at the root power plant each night). This keeps the worms in line and the plants growing like weeds.

So why have we, the fossil fuel industry decided to generously bestow this new and amazing technology upon the human race? Because we care. These pie-in-the-sky dreams those photosynthesis guys have that energy for improved plants can come from the sun is nothing more than that - dreams. As of yet solar power for trees is a highly unproven sector with many questions left to answer. For example, did you know that trees don’t even use the sun for half the year? Take a look around during the winter, you’ll notice that the vast majority of trees don’t even have leaves during this time yet we still allow them to take up valuable real estate. That’s just waste. Meanwhile our coal and oil burning generators will be pumping energy up these plants roots morning, noon and night allowing them to grow an estimated 300% faster. Those are some healthy plants.

It’s time to get real, this grand “solar experiment” trees have been undertaking has failed. Plants have been using photosynthesis for billions of years and where has it gotten them? Trees don’t even have sentience yet, let alone a capacity to understand love or simple math. Meanwhile, since the industrial revolution human beings, with the help of fossil fuels, have invented cars, airplanes, and computers. When was the last time you say a Pixar movie made by a pine? It’s time to put plants in the fast lane and worms in the drivers seat.

The sooner we start acknowledging that solar energy is nothing more than a hipster fad, the sooner we can get to work on real solutions like generatorizing bushes, crops and roses. And don’t think we are stopping with plants. Our scientists are hard at work replacing the sun for all sorts of things. Imagine a world without sunburns where the light and heat of the sun is replaced by fossil fuel powered domes we construct over our beaches and parks. Cats lying in jets of coal exhaust instead of sunbeams. Children incinerating ants not with a magnifying glass but with a fresh, burning piece of coal. This is our dream. We need to be planning for tomorrow and that means a future where the sun is most likely going to be blacked out by a gorgeous dark haze of smog and ash. If we don’t start acting now and retrofitting EVERY PLANT with our amazing generators, pretty soon our children are going to wake up to a world with no plants at all.

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