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Published January 20, 2014
How many times have you heard that question asked? It seems like at least one homophobe (usually male) per week will ask the question. They'll dress it up in a call for modesty: "No one needs to know about your sex life!" I have tried repeatedly to get these people to see that being gay is not merely a sexual distinction, but a social distinction. I tried to get them to see how socially awkward the world is when people don't know you are gay.
 
I try to show them multitude of ways that they themselves "flaunt" their sexuality. Whether if that's through holding hands in public with their opposite sex life partner, or showing off photos of said life partner to nearly everyone they meet, or any number of social markers straight people use to identify their sexual orientation, or maybe just the general heterosexual privilege of presumption that so many of them enjoy. None of this works. This post is my last ditch effort to reach these people. It's in the form of a challenge.
 
The easiest version of this challenge takes no more than a couple hours of just about any straight man's time. This is an experiment where the straight person will become the sexual minority. 
 
This is my first challenge:
Go ALONE to a gay bar where no one knows you. Spend one or two hours there. Don't tell anyone there that you are straight. If you last the two hours without telling one person in the bar that you are straight, you pass the first challenge. Congratulations. At this point it doesn't seem you "flaunt your heterosexuality in anyone's face."
 
On to challenge two.
This challenge will take ninety days of your life, but it is the REAL test as to whether you could exist as a sexual minority who was so modest that he (or she) could go through life without "flaunting" your sexual orientation.
 
This test will only work if you are NOT a famous person. If you are not a famous person please proceed with the challenge.
 
In this challenge you are to live 90 days as you want gay people to live their whole lives: so "modestly" that you never tell anyone your sexual orientation, never let on that you are a straight person. I'm not telling you to live a lie, you can have all the straight sex you want. That is, after all, all heterosexuality is about, right?
 
In this challenge you will move to a gayborhood, like maybe the Castro, West Hollywood, or Chelsea. You will vanquish all vestiges of your heterosexuality, no wives or kids (if you are a man or vice versa if you are a woman), no pictures of your wife, girlfriend, or fiance, no marriage certificates, or wedding rings. If you have a woman stay overnight, make sure you make a nice palate on the floor to explain where this woman slept in case someone comes over and finds you did anything as superfluous as... (you know). You may not do anything as ridiculous as flaunt your sexuality by telling anyone you meet there that you are straight. "No one needs to know your bedroom habits." You are the sexual minority here, keep your place by being discreet.
 
Also, remember, since no one will think you are straight don't feel put off if you tell your new gay friends that you have a lady friend visiting you and they think it's nothing serious and invite themselves to spend some time with you while they discuss the new Adam Lambert CD with you (after all, she's just a woman, that makes her your Judy not your fuck partner). You have to be patient as a sexual minority, so just suck it up and wait till another day to get that alone time with your lady friend.
 
Your challenge is to live like this for 90 days make it to the end without revealing your sexual orientation (or having someone do it for you) or without being a nervous wreck means you win, and now, and only now do you have the right to challenge LGBT people why they "always feel the need to come out."
 
Thank you!
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