Stats & Data

July 30, 2015

Rachel Dolezal could be forced to legally change her name to "Crazy Buttwhistle"

Rachel Dolezal could be forced to legally change her name to
“Crazy Buttwhistle”

Rachel Dolezal could be forced to legally change her name to
“Crazy Buttwhistle”

If you want it.

From now on, I will be referring to Rachel Dolezal as Crazy Buttwhistle, which is a lot easier for me to type.

We’ve never seen anything like Rachel Dolezal. I mentioned to a friend that she was “one in a million.” I was wrong. She is one in a Googol. Listening to her say things can be considered a cruel and unusual punishment for the public.

I say we do something in kind that only we the public have the power to do. We change what we call her.

ISIS wants to be known as the Islamic State, but the media hasn’t given them the pleasure of being a recognized state. They are always the “Self-Provlaimed” (you can almost feel the breeze from all the reporter’s fingers making the ‘air quotes’ sign) Islamic State.

All we have to do is tell everyone we know to call her Crazy Buttwhistle. What is Rachel Dolezal going to do? File an injunction on the Internet? Yeah right! The Internet is more powerful than all the injunctions in the world! (maniacle laughter) Ha ha ha ha!

By posting a comment in the comment section or using #crazywhistlebutt, you post one vote on an online petition to
change Rachel Dolezal’s name to Crazy Anne Whistlebutt.

Just kidding.

I like the way that name sounds when you say it out loud. Go ahead, say it. Crazy Buttwhistle. See how it scurries up from the back of the throat with ‘Crazy’ and then bounces off the lower lip like a drop of water in a frog’s song: ‘Buttwhistle.’ Rachel Dolezal = Crazy Buttwhistle.

(Imagined story in a British accent about aristocrat
Ms. Buttwhistle):

Ms. Buttwhistle made fame in her youth as a performer of the sack butt. She was state sack butt champion at the tender age of number two. In an amazing coincidence, Buttwhistle met and fell in love with a Mr. Sack-butt of Mianus, Colorado. They were married and Ms. Buttwhistle became Mrs. Buttwhistle-Sackbutt.

And before you think they I just made up a random combination of words, what do you think would come out of a buttwhistle (lower case)? Hot, stinky air, right? And what comes out of Rachel Dolezal’s mouth? You get it.

Oh, and the Crazy part comes from an uncle on my wife’s side.

‘Ol Crazy McGurk. He used to try to get up before the roosters so he could clang a pot over the sleeping rooster’s head. Not as revenge for always being woken up by that rooster, no; Crazy McGurk suspected the rooster of smuggling in frozen brain-messages from spy aliens who wanted to ask McGurk for a $200 short-term loan to take care of college tuition at the college of Jewish Barbers. He was shot down in cold blood by a clown with a shotgun.

And that’s how we came up with Crazy McGurk’s nickname: 'Puddin.’