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The whitest company in the world wants to talk to you about race relations. Also, Gap has some thoughts on hip-hop.

As part of Starbucks’ Race Together campaign, baristas will be encouraged to discuss race with customers. There’s obviously no possible way this could end poorly, but just for fun, let’s imagine a world in which this would cause awkward and terrible interactions.


CUSTOMER
Can I get a tall caramel macchiato?

BARISTA
Of course. Would you like to discuss race today?

CUSTOMER
Yes. That’s why I come to Starbucks.

BARISTA
Great! You know most people don’t- you’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?

CUSTOMER
You’re smart.

BARISTA
Thank you! A lot of the time I don’t- that was sarcasm again, wasn’t it?

CUSTOMER
Yup.


BARISTA
Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you?

CUSTOMER
Can I get a Grande iced coffee?

BARISTA
Sure thing. And what do you think about Ferguson?

CUSTOMER
…045-23-4556

BARISTA
Excuse me?

CUSTOMER
Oh sorry. It’s just that I would rather give out my social security number to a stranger than talk to a Starbucks barista about race.

BARISTA
It hurts every time somebody says that.


CUSTOMER
Can I get a Grande pumpkin spice latte?

BARISTA
Sure. Your name?

CUSTOMER
Kevin.

BARISTA
Interesting, because you look like a Jamal.

CUSTOMER
…my drink is gonna be free now, right?

BARISTA
Yup.


CUSTOMER
Hi, I’d like a venti, black.

BARISTA
And what else would you like black?

CUSTOMER
Can I speak to your manager?

BARISTA
He’s already speaking to the previous customer I helped.


CUSTOMER
Can I get a-

BARISTA
Let me stop you right there and ask - have you ever felt like the victim of racial discrimination?

CUSTOMER
As a white woman? No. I’d like a dark roast-

BARISTA
Dark?

CUSTOMER
Don’t.


CUSTOMER
Can I get a Venti Americano?

BARISTA
In your case it would be a Venti Africano Americano.

CUSTOMER

BARISTA

CUSTOMER

BARISTA
I am so sorry…

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