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September 10, 2015

There are a lot of controversies surrounding the NFL these days. You might even be feeling guilty about watching football. These tips will help you feel good again.

1. Invest recklessly and heavily in Fantasy Football to the point that watching games is an economic imperative.

2. During commercial breaks, shut your eyes, plug your ears, and loudly hum “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”. Now sponsors are wasting their money, and you are tangentially supporting the wholesome sport of baseball.

3. Suffer so many undiagnosed concussions that you can’t remember what all the hubbub is about.

4. Host a viewing party, and offer a healthy snack option (one celery stick covered in buffalo sauce and blue cheese dip).

5. Remind yourself that these people are playing the game by choice, as they all could easily find other ways to earn millions of dollars and provide lifetime financial security for their families.

6. Stare into Bill Belichick’s eyes for 15 seconds without blinking. Never experience emotion again.

7. Volunteer with NFL Play 60, and teach kids how to tackle properly. Also, how physically dominating others fosters a sense of self-worth.

8. Murder someone. Become so overwhelmed with guilt that watching football is trivial in comparison. Bonus: great icebreaker if you ever meet Ray Lewis.

9. Write an article on the internet critical of the NFL, thereby absolving yourself of all guilt.