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August 28, 2015

Don't be the only girl in school who still has her H card.

It’s back to school time, and while you may have all your pencils sharpened and notebooks labeled for your first day, there’s one pesky thing you forgot to do this summer: Break your stupid hymen. No one cares if you’re a virgin or not but they’ll definitely be able to tell if you still have your hymen as soon as they look at you. And there’s nothing worse than being the only girl in school still holding onto her H card. Here are 14 easy ways to break your hymen before the school year.

1. One botched cartwheel is all it takes, so head out to your local grassy field and let ‘em rip.

2. Think really hard about horseback riding.

3. Lace up your old rollerskates and pray for an accidental deep split.

4. Continuously ride your bike into potholes.

5. Don’t read the instructions on the tampon box.

6. Get tangled in your jorts after a large meal.

7. Put three pennies, heads up under your pillow and make a blessing to the Egyptian god of puncture wounds.

8. Hold your breath as long as possible. The air has to escape some way.

9. Get a voodoo doll of yourself and be done with it.

10. Answer the riddles three of your local drawbridge troll.

11. Go punch for punch in the vagina with your more sexually experienced friend.

12. Try to hit those high notes.

13. Stay seated for longer than an hour.

14. Two words: El Nino.

Congrats! No more worrying about your cherry popping when the field hockey girls stuff you into your own locker. Enjoy beginning the school year without that 6 pound hymen weighing you down.