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Stats & Data

July 10, 2008


* Researchers at Texas A&M University said watermelon is the new Viagra. Research elsewhere revealed the dachshund is the most aggressive breed of dog.

Sources close to watermelon loving wiener dogs say, "We had a real K9-69 situation here that lasted more than four hours. Skippy had to see the head vet that day."

Sources close to the ASPCA say, "One should never feed their wiener watermelon, unless they are into nonstop leg rape."

* ALTON — An Illinois woman said her beloved miniature dachshund gnawed off her right big toe while she was asleep.

Sources close to the miniature wiener say, "It's not the size that matters! Bitch shouldn't have given me that mind-altering melon, and I wouldn't have mistook her toe for a Scooby Snack."

* BEATTY — Shady Lady Ranch in Nevada, is offering a $50 gas voucher for clients who fork out $300 at the Nevada brothel.

Sources close to the prostitutes say, "A good case of loin lobsters used to be what kept clients away. Now we have to compete with rising fuel costs. Today we have to stay competitive, and give men what they really want. Excitedly blinded by a discount for gasoline, they don't even realize they are walking away with panty-pests, gash-gophers, groin-grubs, groin-grasshoppers, beaver-beetles, pecker-pupa, penis-pincher-bugs, weenie-weevils, snatch-slugs, snatch-scorpions, snatch-squirrels, cooter-katydids, cooter-critters, vaginal-varmints, genital-gerbils, taco-ticks, twat-termites, twat-tarantulas, wiener-wasps, muff-moths, muff-mosquitoes, muff-mites, muff-mice, crotch-cockroaches, box-butterflies, fur-fleas, fur-flies, fire-crotch-fireflies or labia-lice."

* CHICAGO — The Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized for comments he made about Barack Obama. What he thought was a private conversation with Dr. Reed V. Tuckson, ultimately was captured on a live microphone.

Jackson was overheard saying, "See, Barack been, um, talking down to black people on this faith based ... I wanna cut his (testicles) off ... Barack ... he's talking down to black people."

Sources close to Jackson contend he meant to say, "He be talkin' down, just like a clown, sho do make a bruthah frown. Barack is whack, and needs his testies hacked."

Sources close to Lorena Bobbit say, "I can help."