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April 21, 2017
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"I'd love to pitch these blockbusters to him, but I'm legally not allowed to!"

Whether he realizes it or not, Steven Spielberg and I have the kind of creative relationship they write Lifetime movies about. (The good ones.) The push and pull, ebb and flow of brainstorming and collaboration and voyeurism.

We’re clearly on the same page, even if that page tells me I need to stay 500 yards away at all times. Here are nine ideas I’m sure he’d love if he would just lift the restraining order.

1. Jaws Breaker

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A dentist must save one of America’s most beloved filmmakers from tooth decay. Especially in the bicuspids.

2. Clothes Encounters

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A small town’s dry-cleaner finds himself faced with an alien stain. Maybe from someone’s very liberal use of Sriracha.

3. Saving Private Parking

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A veteran valet rescues a director’s Tesla (license plate number 3BOM652) from the gridlock of a studio lot.

4. Shopping’s List

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An undercover grocer protects his best produce for a customer who has a (decaying) sweet-tooth for raspberries.

5. LinkedIn

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An old high school acquaintance combs through LinkedIn connections to find a way in, Steven.

6. The Loonies

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No, YOU’RE CRAZY!

7. Catch You If I Can

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Sorry, I yelled in the last logline. I’ll make it up to you, Stevie. With a big check and presents. I know which flight you’re on.

8. A. I. See You

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A robot that watches your every move, mister. Your moves that include regular visits to Whole Foods for three different kinds of quinoa that then dictate your other very regular bowel movements.

9. Jurassic Bark

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In the future, dogs are extinct, but a crack team of scientists bring them back! This is genuinely a billion dollar idea.


Call ME, Steven — not my lawyer!

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