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August 25, 2016

It's the 100 year anniversary of our National Park Service, but that doesn't mean you should go to Burning Tire Pile National Park.

It’s the 100th year anniversary of our National Park Service, America’s best idea. The stunning beauty of most of our National Parks truly must be seen before you die. Yellowstone in Montana, Acadia in Maine, Zion in Utah. But, to be blunt, there are a few National Parks that just plain suck. Here’s a list of the ones you can avoid.

Burning Tire Pile National Park (Kansas, I-70 exit 54)

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This one actually does look pretty cool when you first get there, but breathing in the fumes is very, very toxic. We recommend you skip this one and go to Rocky Mountain National Park instead.

Abandoned Lot Smells Like Putrid Urine National Park (Detroit, Michigan)

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There’s like two dozen abandoned cars in this lot and they’ve all been peed in. This National Park is a definite pass.

Stale Gingerbread Models Of The Other National Parks National Park (Nevada)

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This park is hella boring. Seeing a gingerbread version of the Great Sand Dunes National Park in Colorado just doesn’t do justice to the real thing. You might as well skip this one and go to the real one.

Mutant Raccoon Infested Trash Dumpster National Park (Sunset Park, Brooklyn)

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Please do not feed the wildlife. You’re not supposed to feed the wildlife in any of the National Parks, but you really shouldn’t do it here. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT FEED THE WILDLIFE OR YOU AND ALL HUMANITY WILL REGRET IT!

Bumper To Bumper Traffic National Park (405, Los Angeles)

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Los Angelenos routinely find themselves accidentally visiting this National Park during their work commute, but it definitely isn’t worth a trip to LAX just to experience this frustrating mess. SKIP! You’re better off going to Denali in Alaska.

Small Canyon National Park (Arizona)

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If you’re going to go all the way to Arizona, you really might as well see the Grand Canyon. This rather minuscule canyon looks more like a ditch up close and can be skipped.

Gators With A Taste For Toddler National Park (Florida)

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This one is too sad to explain. Just don’t go there. Especially if you’ve got toddler age kids.

Yosemite National Park (California)

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Yosemite is fucking overrated. Do yourself a favor and go to Joshua Tree instead.