To My Former Funny Or Die Coworkers:

If you’re reading this right now you probably already know. (Maybe not Jesse, he’s always been slow.) But YES someone bought a winning Powerball ticket from the deli nextdoor and NO I’m not in the office today nor picking up my phone. So currently you’re probably like, “Wait, did our office win the Powerball?!” Well … yes and no.

Let me explain. One the one hand, we did all agree to all throw in $10 and buy $150 worth of tickets and equally share the prize. One the other hand, I’m not gonna do that. It’s just that after I find out we won, I crunched the numbers and it’s significantly more in my interest to keep the entire $1.4 billion rather than split it up 15 ways. Honestly, it’s like a HUGE difference in money. And I thought, for a second, well maybe I’ll choose one person in the office to split it with but then realized that would be horribly unfair to the other 14. And I’m nothing if not all about fairness.

Please know that my decision to run away with the ticket and fuck you all over was NOTHING PERSONAL. Truth be told, I actually like three of you. It’s just that I basically chose the winning number on my own anyways. If you remember, Ben was like, “I want to play my mother’s birthday” and it was ME who was like “OK cool.” Without that support we might never have played Ben’s Mom’s birthday. So you have to agree I’m basically the reason we won in the first place.

But you all won’t be going home empty-handed! Not by a long shot! The good news is I will pay you back the $10 I was supposed to throw in for the tickets. (Thank you again for spotting me, Kady Ruth!) It’s only fair that I help pay for the winning ticket so I insist you let me help with that. I also have an Edible Arrangement scheduled to arrive at the office this afternoon. No need to thank me, it was honestly my pleasure and the least I could do. (But if everyone could chip in like $3 that would be great.)

And now to answer the question on all of Funny Or Die’s lips — “How is Mike gonna spend the $1.4 billion he’s not sharing with us?” Well, unfortunately, that’s private and I’m not gonna share that information. (Wow, how many times have I said “not gonna share” in this letter?! Get a thesaurus, Mike! Oh wait, now that I have $1.4 billion I can get LOTS of Thesauruses! Sorry, I’m getting off track!) OK I lost my train of thought, where was I? Did I mention the part about now sharing our office-pool Powerball winnings? OH! Right! DON’T TRY TO FIND ME!!! Seriously. I’m moving out of town and you’ll never see me again. And if you notice that Six Flags Great Adventure suddenly changes its name to “Mike’s Personal Amusement Park,” I promise that’s just a coincidence.

Finally, I’d just like to tell you all to fuck off. I’ve let you hold me back for far too long and now, with $1.4 billion dollars, I’m finally free to pursue my TRUE passion. (Having $1.4 billion.) And my SECOND true passion. (Paying strangers to kiss.) And my THIRD passion, I’m also gonna buy myself a big ol’ dick! This current one just doesn’t match with my newfound financial situation. Please don’t cry for my absence. Honestly, I was close to getting fired anyways.

See you in hell,
Mike

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