Bible_Johns_Gospel_3_16.JPG

Tennessee wants to make The Bible their state book. We’re just glad they’re reading.

Tennessee’s State legislature is trying to pass a bill that would establish The Bible as the state book. This might seem strange, or even unconstitutional until you look at some of Tennessee’s other state symbols. We weren’t able to find the actual list, but below is what we assume to be true:


  • State Bird – Angels
  • State Sandwich – Two communion wafers with a slice of ham (the Christian deli meat) in the middle
  • State Flower – A tulip, but it’s on fire
  • State Tree – Any that contain enough wood to make a cross
  • State Gem – The Bible with a ruby on the cover
  • State Motto – Jesus
  • State Movie – A two-hour shot of a Bible with Jars of Clay playing underneath
  • State Stance On Christmas – For it
  • State Animal – Heathens
  • State Dessert – Angel food cake
  • State God – The Christian/only one, duh
  • State Sex Act – Waiting until marriage
  • State Song – Hallelujah droned on for five minutes by a room full of people displaying the enthusiasm of doctors in the 18th hour of a Thanksgiving Day shift
  • State Insect – Locusts
  • State Cookie – Jesus if he were a cookie
  • State Game – Pin the tale on the donkey that Jesus rode into Jerusalem
  • State Jesus – Jesus
  • State View On Jewish People – They’re cool, but wrong
  • State Plant – A crown of thorns
  • State Religion – Christianity/The right one, duh
  • State Sport – Football/The right one, duh
  • State Vegetable – Carrots, but every time you go to eat one somebody pops out from behind a bush and says, “Jesus died for your sins, ya know.” It’s the worst.
  • State Color – White, like Jesus’ skin
  • State Fossil – No such thing
  • State Drink – Wine, but somehow in a way that’s no fun
  • State Fruit – Apples that you’re not allowed to eat
  • State Opinion On Jesus – Oh man, that guy was the best and also real
  • State Crest – Just a circle with the words, “Don’t Do Sex Stuff,” in the middle.
  • State Birth Control – Ha! No way, dude.
  • State Fish – Just two of them, but like, they somehow feed an entire crowd. It’s nuts.
  • State Bible – The Quran (We have no idea why)
Advertisement