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June 02, 2016

Sometimes there’s just not enough magic in the whole wizarding world to fix a mid-life crisis.

Muggles around the world are eagerly awaiting next week’s debut of “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child,” a new play by JK Rowling which takes place 19 years after the events of the Harry Potter books and imagines the former boy wizard as “an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children.”

Adding to the excitement are the rumors that JK Rowling has conjured up a number of new charms that will help Harry do battle with an enemy far more fearsome than Voldemort: middle age! See below.

Imperio Samsung - This command spell allows the caster to work the GD television for once without having to use that GD universal remote.

Lumos Appetizers - Produces a narrow beam of light from the tip of the caster’s wand, allowing him to read the GD menu in dimly lit restaurants that are probably that dark because the food looks like crap.

Incendio Marlboro - A useful way to light cigarettes on the sly, even though the caster should be able to smoke whenever he wants and not have to slink around his own GD house like a GD criminal.

Engorgio Testes - Enlarges the caster’s balls until they are big enough for him to ask his boss for a GD raise.

Wingardium Levios—huh? - A modification to this levitation charm allows the caster to casually “float” some ways to spice things up in the bedroom by his spouse. Like maybe try it with masks? Or get a bunch of ice?

Expelli-Amy from HR - This disarming spell keeps the caster’s spouse from bringing up that one time he said he had to work late, but came home smelling like wine in arguments that have absolutely nothing to do with that.

Reparo Ratio - This fixing charm can be used to try and mend the relationship between the caster and his son once the caster realizes that he made the same GD mistakes that his father did.

Revelio Cuckold - Magically reveals whether that contractor the caster hired to put in the new patio, the one that you swear your wife has a crush on, has been by the house while the caster was at work to “check up on things,” even though the patio was finished three months ago.

Impedimenta Somnium - Often self-inflicted, this blocking charm prevents the target from ever reaching their dreams by burdening them with jobs and dinner parties and soccer games until their life looks nothing like they imagined it would.

Respecto Patronum - Conjures an ghostly incarnation of the man the caster used to be.

Auto Avada Kedavra - A slight tweak to one of the “unforgivable curses” gives the caster the ability to inflict instant, painless death on himself.

There you have it. Looks like sometimes there’s not enough magic in the whole wizarding world to make the mess you’ve made of your life … disappear.