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July 13, 2011

Learning Spanish is a lot like sex. It's more fun with willing participants.

I have a destiny. Along the way I’d like to pick up Spanish as a second language. Only problem is, it’s hard like playing brail Scrabble by yourself. I’ve been trying to get my family in on it; an 8 year old girl and my girlfriend. They want to learn Spanish like Carrot Top wants to sit in the Arizona sun for 2 hours. Well my crispy senoritas I’ve got the SPF 97 coconut scented sunscreen.

My daughter thinks everything I try to teach her is 1. Wrong, 2, Boring, and 3. “Stop Dad, you’re embarrassing me and why do I have to do this anyways I don’t want to learn it. Why do I have to learn in the first place?”

“Because I want to be able to talk shit on people with you behind their backs and hope they don’t know how to speak Spanish. I mean, Español.”

I have been working with her and come to the conclusion that she has this phrase down. “Not right now! I’m trying to play!”

Me, “Bien!”

My girlfriend is my next target. I wake up, “Buenos Dias!!!”

“Die Ronald. Just Die.”

“I don’t understand you said you wanted to learn Español,” the word Español said in perfect Español.

“IT’S 5:30 in the morning A-HOLE!!”

“What better way to fire your synapses then with some Spanish in the morning?”

“I don’t get up until 7:00 jerk”

I know it doesn’t mean much but I think I’m getting pretty good at brail Scrabble.

Daughter Round 2…

Me, “Hey kid, wanna go to the library and learn about Mexican culture?”

Kid, “Sure.”

So we go to the library and the person teaching the Mexican culture is trying to teach them how to speak some Spanish.

Kid says, “My Dad is teaching me Spanish!”

Suddenly, several single mothers also attending the library function coo and awe in delight of a father interacting with his child. My heart suddenly gets light as the thought of all the neighborhood’s desperate housewives will soon be cooking me dinner. My girlfriend leans over and whispers, “Don’t even think about it,” as the smile on my face is suggests, whip cream isn’t just for strawberries.


“So did you have fun kid?”


“Wanna learn some more Español?”

“Wanna buy me some ice cream?”

I can now play brail Scrabble with my eyes closed.