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February 15, 2016
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Jared is really scared of Bloomingfoods or maybe just vegetables? Still unclear.

Petition: Please Never Make Me Go Into Bloomingfoods Again

I went to Bloomingfoods for the first time yesterday, and I was very confused.

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What I thought was a medical marijuana dispensary turned out to be the scariest grocery store I’ve ever seen. Among the labyrinth of free-range chicken and locally grown produce were vegetables I’ve never even heard of: what the hell is “Red Cabbage”? “Fresh Ginger”? “Bok Choy”? “Pineapple”? That sounds like voodoo ingredients to me.

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A WITCH!

It gets worse. As I finished buying my groceries, the hippie cashier asked if a wanted to join the Co-Op. A Co-Op? Get that Bernie Sanders B.S. out of my face you dirty Socialist.

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A SOCIALIST WITCH!

I do not understand Bloomingfoods and therefore, it scares me. I do not want to go there again, and I need the help of the City of Bloomington to ensure that happens. I need 20,000 signatures in support of a citywide ban preventing me from entering Bloomingfoods under any circumstances.

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Please hurry; they’re sending me coupons in the mail.

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WHO STILL USES PRINT MEDIA??


This article was written by conspiracy theorist and mostly-scared person, Jared Smith. Jared is a sophomore majoring in Disappointing His Parents. As an actor and writer, he constantly makes the mistake of thinking he’s funny. You can follow him on Twitter @JaredLaverneSmi or on Facebook, if you’re someone’s mom.

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