The NCAA Tournament's not even a week young and your bracket's already decimated. You owe someone $10 and the last remains of crusted face paint cling to your peach fuzz. The only people who care about your office pool anymore are the jerks who made their picks based on how cute the mascots are, or if a school name has a nice ring to it.
In other words, your bracket's fucked, and here are nine reasons why.
Although David has since met his maker, he still had time to kick the shit out of Goliath and burn your bracket to ashes. Usually the death of Duke means the birth of an angel, but as the angel floated up to heaven the little cherub ripped up your bracket with it's razor-sharp halo. Meanwhile, Mercer danced at your loss, civilization's gain, and their right to lose to Tennessee in the next round.
What song was in this young dancer's head? Probably Bittersweet Symphony, because that's what it was for all of us.
Coach K mourns your bracket, while also knowing he'll have 19 more chances at this. (via sbnation)
2. Warren Buffett
That man and his temporary tattoos and his $1 billion prize put us all in our heads. Now no one's touching $1 billion. No one's even getting a whiff. No one's even having sexual fantasies involving $1 billion. Our sexual fantasies involving cash are topping out at $100 million or so, which is pathetic and we should all talk to our shrinks about that.
3. Wichita State Deciding Streaking Is Bad
Wichita State fucked up your bracket by deciding that streaking is wrong, whether it be in terms of wins or naked running. We saw neither against Kentucky. The only good thing to come out of this is that you learned that Wichita is a state, and it's weird that you didn't know that.
4. The Vietnam War
If we never went in the first place, your bracket would be a lot different, a lot less cynical and jaded. But now your own bracket doesn't trust opinions of authority or even itself, so how can there be confidence in this year's picks, or any year for that matter? Gone are the days when we knew which teams were purely evil and purely good. Now it's all shades of dystopian gray.
5. Dayton Double Stun Gun
Dayton owns a Taser and it's using it over and over on your bracket. They zapped Ohio State right in the chest, which hurt you, but then they made Syracuse's back give out from the electric shock of a tase to the basketballs, which messed you up, man. Messed you up good.
The police are angry at Dayton for all their fucked up brackets.
6. Stanford and Kansas
They both fucked up the brackets. One by winning, the other by losing. Kansas is supposed to have all that talent, but since all those guys know they're going to the NBA in a couple of months they thought they could have some fun, take a crow bar to your bracket, and not try. Stay tuned to see how much the Trees can fuck up your bracket the way they fuck up your view of your neighbor's bedroom window, you perv.
7. The Situation In Crimea
If there was nothing but peace, your bracket would be perfect. PUTINNNNN!!
He doesn't give a fuck about fucking up your bracket.
8. Fucking Harvard
Harvard had an upset in them. Some of us saw that. Then they lost the next game. Some of us saw that, too, but not both. Harvard screwed up your bracket in some way, and you have every right to hold that, and the fact that they didn't accept you even though you had incredible grades and worked your ass off in high school, against them for the rest of your life.
9. And now a list of everything else that shot your bracket through the heart and pissed on it's grave.
-It's still really cold out — hard to make good decisions.
-SFA KO'D VCU, & U LOL'D @ UR F*#$ED BRACKET.
-Bull sharks. Maybe you were thinking about them when you made your bracket, and you got distracted with fear.
-Every year you want Gonzaga to go on a run of upsets but like those first few months with Marissa, when everything was breathless and passionate and you never wanted to leave the bedroom except to go to the bathroom or eat some macaroni and cheese, those days are gone.
- Creighton's 30 point loss to a school that rhymes with Sailor. Sailors ruin everything.
- That earthquake in L.A. One word: AFTERSHOCKS. They create one bad dribble and your whole bracket crumbles.
- Daylight Savings Time. We're not used to this extra daylight. The whole thing should be banned.
-Villanova is Latin for "New Farmhouse," but in NCAAtin it means "New Fuckup For Your Bracket." In English, UConn means "University of Connecticut," but in NCAAtin in means "I Will Help New Fuckup For Your Bracket Fuck Up Your Bracket."
- Shrimp. You were eating them recently and one was just covered in shrimp shit. You scraped it off but it's all you could think about. Two days later you filled out your bracket. Shit, especially shrimp shit, lingers in the mind.
- Raleigh, North Carolina. It's a town of upsets. Sure a higher seed took Mercer down, but we were already living in upsetville — a Hoosier-type squad was getting out of there no matter what. Now it's Tennessee. Can they fuck up your bracket in a new town?
Regardless of how terrible your bracket is always remember to Make Love Not War. SEE YA NEXT WEEK. We'll see how awful things have gotten for you.