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October 29, 2010
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It's foggy. Kinda cold. One of those mornings when I find myself thinking about things. Big picture stuff. Like, is anyone even remotely curious who let the dogs out anymore? Or have people just been conditioned to assume it was our own government, like 9/11?

Some people and ideas have received too much credit. Whoever invented electricity and gravity are over-acknowledged. You never hear about the guy that invented cutting umbilical cords. How many things in life would be ruined if you had to walk around connected to your mom with a flesh rope all the time? Sports wouldn't exist. Swimming would be difficult. Showering would be the worst. And is the flesh rope a two-way rope? Would my mom also get some of the food and liquids that I eat and drink through the rope? She wouldn't like that. How many generations would be connected at once? If they were all still alive, could a great grandma be connected to a grandma, that is connected to a mom, that is connected to a daughter? What would shirts look like?...

Moses gets props for spreading the Red Sea, and no one even uses that passage for transportation anymore because it's outdated, and obviously wasn't constructed very well. The Viaduct in Seattle needs to be replaced, why don't we put the architect of that piece of garbage in a huge book and call him a saint? Some people just do stuff to get attention.

I invented Shants. Shants are shorts/pants that are longer than shorts, but shorter than pants. There is a huge market out there for Shants, but I invented them for my own purposes. Bill Gates invented technology, and got rich and famous. You tell me, do more people wear clothes, or use technology? Some people don't even use toilets, let alone an iPhone. I could fly off the hammer and sell a trillion Shants, but I don't make them for the money and fame, I make them because I'm usually too hot to wear pants, and too hairy to wear shorts.

Who invented the Rascal? It's a motor-powered chair that old people aggressively drive around in Sears. The last time I checked, a Rascal is a dirty toddler that ran around in the 1950's, and created a little government that hated women. There's no connection, and the inventor is rich.

Think about Henry Ford and the automobile. Society complains about what automobiles are doing to the atmosphere. Let me ask you this: How often are you in the atmosphere? Daily? Never? Unless you are an astronaut or an alien, you are never in the atmosphere. How often are you walking around on the ground? Always. You are always on the ground. It's called gravity, idiot. So you choose: We all ride horses around everywhere, the horse crap levels grow above the roof-lines of our homes, children are being lost in the sea of feces, and our entire society dwindles away in less than 200 years. Or, we drive cars around, without horse crap piled up to our roof-lines, and let the astronauts and aliens deal with the atmosphere. Thanks, Henry.

Who invented love? It wasn't Saint Valentine, that's just France's Santa Claus. No other mammal on the planet has love, and no other mammal has wars going on with millions of people dying every second. Every other mammal just smells another mammal that wants to get it on, and then they get it on. They don't have any other thoughts or feelings attached to getting it on. It's just like sandwiches. I know when I want a sandwich, so I get one, and then I get my sandwich on. Afterwards, I don't want to lay with the sandwich and watch six hours of reality television, or go to Red Robin with the sandwich and order bottomless fries. I just want to wait about three hours and poop it out in privacy while I watch Family Matters on my iPhone.

I guess what I'm saying is, I think everyone has great ideas, you just have to let other people know about them. Actually, most of the ideas that people have, and think are great, are probably not. But, the beauty of it is that people are stupid, you just have to tell someone something, and it's a 70% chance that they'll buy it. I once told my parents that I was adopted, and they bought it for two days while they searched for my birth certificate. They still haven't found it, but my mom apparently recalls birthing me, so they turned out to be in the 30% that is smarter than normal. It was close though.

Until next time: Acknowledge good ideas, both complete and raw, or you might find yourself connected via flesh rope to your great grandma.
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