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June 01, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

An appeals court ruled Thursday that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Turns out you can't treat one small group of people differently than how you treat a larger group of people.

In Canada, a porn actor is suspected of sending body parts from a dismembered corpse to politicians. Raising the question: How did an American become a Canadian porn actor?

A new report says at least 13 people running for the Senate have declared bankruptcy. To be fair, Libertarians shouldn't count since they oppose declaring anything.

The International Energy Agency is calling for tougher regulations on the fracking industry. A message that would be publicized better if only they worked for the fracking industry.

Actress Zhang Ziyi denied rumors that she earned $100 million by sleeping with wealthy Chinese men. Obama is upset over the accusations as well as since he gets barely a third of that.

New York City plans to ban the sale of bottles of soda larger than 16 ounces. Fat people are so upset they're going to march up four stairs at City Hall then call their nephew to come pick them up.

The European Central Bank's president called the Euro "unsustainable." Also unsustainable? Bank presidents being honest.

Syria released 500 political prisoners on Thursday. A good strategy once you start to run out of people to politically imprison.

House Republicans are trying to make it a federal crime to carry out an abortion based on the fetus's sex. "See?" they said. "We're not so bad once you let us in your vagina."

A French magazine issued an apology for misquoting Megan Fox as saying, "I would not trade my place with an unattractive girl." In related news, Megan Fox isn't as cool as French people thought she was.

In an interview, Vanderbilt football coach James Franklin said, "I will not hire an assistant coach until I’ve seen his wife. If she looks the part...then you got a chance to get hired." Which sounds awful until you find out how Penn State hires their assistant coaches.