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May 16, 2016
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Don't let something silly like the zombie apocalypse stop you from constantly having perfect hair and makeup.

1) Eye See What They Did Here

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Let me tell you about three things that freak me out: Creepy children, eyes that bleed, and organized religion. So needless to say this opening was pretty much my worst nightmare. Why do people say “needless to say” right before they say something? NEEDLESS TO SAY IS SOMETHING THAT IS NEEDLESS TO SAY! Holy shit you guys, I feel like I need to write some letters and get the word out about this revelation. People need to know.

2) Lost In Translation

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This was a huge missed opportunity for Salazar to mess with everybody as he translated from behind the door while gently caressing his translation gun. “OK, now one of them is saying Bewitched was better than I Dream Of Jeanie but he can’t seem to back the statement up with hard facts. Now the other guy is claiming Jessie Spano was hotter than Kelly Kapowski?! Get out of town! Holy moly, apparently Mexico isn’t letting anyone in named Chris. Sorry, amigo. End of the line, where do you want the bullet?”

3) What Was The Point Of That Coin Flip?

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Loving the fact that Salazar is diving knife first into the brain stabbing party that will soon become everyone’s rote existence. Did I use “rote” correctly? I Googled it twice, still not entirely sure! And I guess I KINDA zombie understand why he didn’t brain stab Boat Sniper, what with all their classic boat sniping memories they have together after three seconds of friendship, but what was up with the coin flip? If you’re going to grant a dying man his one wish to not get stabbed in the cranium, maybe double down on the wishes you’re granting him and deliver his weird coin. At the very least, don’t flip it into the infinite aquatic abyss as one of the last things he sees before leaving this earth. Kind of a dickhole move, Salzy! Can I call you Salzy? It feels right, I’m going to call you Salzy.

4) Salzy Choked

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It’s not strange that Salazar hesitated stabbing a kid while choking him. What is a bit peculiar is the fact that he flashed back to another time he was choking a kid, presumably as a whimsical preamble to stabbing him? How often is this scenario coming up, Salzy? More than zero times seems like way too many! There was going to be a joke in here about how some kids are actually into getting choked and will ask you to choke them but you need to be careful not to apply too much pressure in the heat of the moment and it’s probably a good idea to come up with a safe word ahead of time. But I’m better than that! These posts are better than that. Just kidding, they’re not, the whole choking bit got in there more or less in its entirety. Ten years ago I thought I would’ve finished writing several books by this point in my life, instead I’m drinking way too much coffee and writing jokes about choking kids. Wish I could say I don’t have any regrets, I’ve got a pile and it’s growing all the time.

5) Chris Likes To Watch

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Jeez louise, Chris! I predicted you might become psycho, just didn’t realize how fast it would happen! You went from useless to terrifying VERY QUICKLY with your decision to stand back and watch Madison (almost) die. I know times are tough and also very boring for youths these zombie days, what with no TV and Snapchat hasn’t been invented yet, but maybe find a different hobby? I’ve heard drowning is a super chill way to relax after a long day of being the worst, go give it a whirl! Ocean is that way.

6) The Subs Are All White

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White subtitles on a white fabric. How hard is your job, dude in charge of subtitles and/or on-camera fabric colors? Wouldn’t it be weird if the same person was in charge of both of those jobs?!? Needless to say, that would be very weird. If anybody is looking for me I will be in my writing chambers starting another letter campaign to get the word out about this. The people. They need to know.

7) Alicia’s Perfect Hair And Makeup

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You guys. Alicia’s hair and makeup. Like, actually, though. When does she find time to assemble a perfect face, find the only comb in the zombie apocalypse, get highlights and also land in perfect lighting 100% of the time? Oh, that’s right. It’s a TV show. There’s a professional hair and makeup crew and the lighting guy is great at his job. WHAT IF THE LIGHTING GUY ALSO DOES HER HAIR AND MAKUP?!?! IT’S NEEDED TO SAY THAT I WOULD HAVE MY MIND FUCKING BLOWN WIDE ZOMBIE OPEN IF THAT WAS IN FACT THE CASE. I’ll be the first to acknowledge the quality of these posts fluctuates on a regular basis and if you’re still reading this I appreciate your time. Oh yeah, this was also the scene where Chris becomes an actual physical threat. Big character development moment, should probably include that in here.

8) …You’d Do Anything?

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I don’t know what “pozole” is (didn’t run into any of it on my trip to Tijuana for Cinco de Mayo two weeks ago ) but I know it sounds enough like what could be an Italian slang term for vagina, so my only real option here was to throw a Brazzers logo in the corner of the screen and call it a day. You can make any picture so much funnier by just throwing a porn logo in the corner. It insinuates the people in the picture are soon going to have sex on camera and it’s the best. Comedy is so easy, I don’t know why people think it’s hard. It’s literally as simple as adding a porn logo to any picture. Congratulations, you’re now amazing at comedy.

9) Do Gay People Actually Say “Fierce” In Casual Conversation?

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Do gay people actually say “fierce” in casual conversations? I honestly don’t know the answer to this question, but I’m guessing they don’t. Also, if you’re keeping score, 50% of the gay characters on this show just got killed off. There can be only one! Sorry, you guys. Those are just AMC’s rules for the zombie apocalypse. Don’t breathe easy yet, Strand! They’ve got similar guidelines for black characters and pretty stringent restrictions on goat cast members.

10) LISTEN TO MADISON! YOUR SON SUUUUUCKS!

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YO, TREVOR (?) YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO MADISON BECAUSE YOUR SON SUCKS. Even if her whole message here was, “Your son sucks,” there’s a lot of evidence to support this and it’s def a convo worth having. But instead she’s listing very specific, and extremely dangerous, things and Trent (???) just keeps ignoring her. Tim! (????) LISTEN UP, BUCKAROO. Keeping Chris around is like holding on to the tupperware container with green stuff in the back of our fridge that’s been there for six months and none of my roommates know what’s going on in there. Are we attached to it? Of course! Do we know goodbyes are tough and there’s no easy way to do this? Absolutely. But there’s something rotten going on in that tupperware and if we keep it around I’m pretty sure someone’s going to get hurt one of these days.

11) Nick’s Church Flashback

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Don’t do drugs, kids. You may wind up having scary flashbacks at inconvenient moments. You may also have a really good time with your friends in Joshua Tree. Basically just don’t do heroin, and stay away from cocaine, but mushrooms at the right time and right place with the right people never hurt anybody. As soon as I typed that I realized it’s most likely not true. I bet someone jumped off a roof or something in the 80’s, but I think you get what I’m trying to say. I guess the point I’m attempting to make here is that the quality of these posts fluctuates and if you’re still reading this I’m sorry.

12) Barn Again Christians

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Come on, you guys! This is the barn all over again from that show that I also watch that’s on at the same time on the same channel just during different parts of the year! The barn on that show was even on season 2, just like this zombie dungeon! And it was on a seemingly safe (yet probably SUPER SUSCEPTIBLE TO BEING OVERRUN BEFORE THIS SEASON ENDS) rural location. Basically we are now just in season 2 of The Walking Dead, complete with a shit head inside the group looking to kill people, which is OK? I guess? It just feels kind of lazy for a show that’s supposed to be new and fresh! Trust me, I know a thing or two about lazy writing! It’s kind of my wheelhouse!

13) Fiveshadowing

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The foreshadowing! It is so thick! It’s like I’m drinking a thick pea soup, except all the peas are little bits of foreshadowing! I expect Mexican Woman Lady to die very soon because she said this, probably in the next episode. It’s like that scene from Scream!

Scream was a really good movie, and it helped get me into the horror genre as a youth, so if this show wants to do Scream stuff all the time I’m totally cool with it. But seriously, folks, Wes Craven was one of the greatest of all time to ever do it. Let’s all try to be more like that guy.

14) Creepy Chris

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Nope. Nooooooooo. Chris, you just got caught red-handed getting ready to do some nighttime murdering. Not cool, Christopher! I don’t know if they can put him on time out for something like this? Seems like this is one of those situations just a tick past the point of a, “We’re not mad, we’re just disappointed,” speech landing. PRETTY SURE YOU JUST NEED TO TAKE HIM OUT BACK AND SHOOT HIM LIKE A RABID DOG, GANG! Also pretty sure you should build a time machine and go back in time and do it the first time he was introduced. Ooh! Or maybe do that thing from the director’s cut ending of The Butterfly Effect and make him strangle himself in the womb! The Butterfly Effect is a fun movie! It’s like a long Twilight Zone episode, and it really makes you think about all the different ways your life could’ve turned out based on seemingly innocuous decisions! JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR THE MID-SEASON FINALE! Will Nick drink the Kool-Aid that Mexican Woman Lady is serving and actually believe these walkers are still alive? Sure, just as long as Kool-Aid is a new name for heroin. Will Alicia’s hair and makeup ever NOT be perfect? Not a zombie chance! Will this post be better than it is today? I make no promises! I actually thought this one turned out pretty good! Please let me know in the comments, they give me strength to keep going and I read every single one! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on the mid-season finale hey wait a minute can we just all agree that mid-season finales are DUMB and ANNOYING and break the RHYTHM of the show and THEY ARE JUST A WAY FOR THIS NETWORK TO HAVE MORE BALANCED QUARTERLY ADVERTISING REVENUE? Ok, cool! Glad we’re all on the same page. See you next week for S02E07 of Fear The Walking Dead!

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