Hey, AMC, it’s Mike again. Um, I don’t know if you guys moved or have a shit receptionist or whatever but apparently my last 10,000 letters asking you to kill Carl on The Walking Dead haven’t been received. At least I assume they haven’t been received cause, as of now, he’s still alive. Since I’m running low on stamps and patience, I figured I’d take a stab at reaching you through Funny Or Die. (You guys go to this site right? If you don’t, check out Pearl The Landlord, it’s great!!)
Anyways, I’ll get right to the point since we’re both really busy. (Well … you are. This is actually all I have to do today.) Basically, I just need you all to PROMISE ME that Carl will die this season. As a cable subscriber I demand it and as a loyal viewer I’ve earned it. I’ve watched every episode of TWD for the past five years — even that one season that you and I BOTH KNOW wasn’t great. (But Season 5 — Carl being alive aside, was terrific.) Since the premiere in 2010, I’ve seen dozens of characters up and die. But it was never the one I wanted. More times than not, it was someone I liked. Here is a list of characters you’ve killed off that I was significantly more emotionally invested in:
- Parent #2
- That guy who did that thing and got shot
- Terminus chick
- Literally anyone else who’s died on this show ever
Now obviously my hatred toward Carl is based solely on the character and has nothing to do with Chandler Riggs who’s probably a decent kid. (I’m not saying I care to find out, I’m just saying he might be.) It’s CARL that I want killed. The selfish little wiener bastard in the cowboy hat that’s always whining. Off the top of my head, here are a few ways I’d be happy to see him killed off:
- Zombie bite (duh)
- Falls down a bottomless pit and eventually starves.
- Gets kicked in the little boy dick and spends the next 44 minutes going “Oh my tiny penis! My tiny penis hurts! I wish Mommy was alive to kiss this better” until he eventually passes away.
- Hit with an anvil Wile E. Coyote style.
Off the top of my head zombie bite seems to be a no brainer (LOL!!!), and honestly, is the most exciting to me as a viewer cause it means I get to watch him die twice. But seriously, it doesn’t even have to be one of these suggestions. You guys are the writers, not me. As long as it gets done and gets done soon, I’ll be happy. Like maybe even before the opening credits of Sunday’s episode?? (Have you shot this yet? I don’t get how Hollywood works.)
To put it simply, Carl is the worst character in the history of television. He’s like if Jar Jar Binks and Brody’s daughter on Homeland had a child and then realized it was terrible so left him in a cowboy hat on the doorstep of Fran Dresher, who taught him poise and grace. Even his mom hated him!! Every episode before she passed (RIP) her main concern was asking someone, “Can you watch Carl for a minute?” cause even she couldn’t stand to be around him. I don’t blame her. I’m sure her final thought was, “At least I don’t have to see my son anymore.” But unfortunately the rest of us aren’t as lucky as the deceased Lori. We have to keep seeing him.
If you’re in the story-boarding phase of Season 6, I’ve taken the liberty of drawing one for Carl’s death. Feel free to toss it in any ol’ episode.
Even if it doesn’t fit story-wise, I promise you the audience will allow for this suspension of disbelief. They’ll just be like, “Whoa didn’t see that coming. AWESOME! Now back to the story line we were originally following.”
Yeah, so that’s it. Just gimmie a heads up that you’ve seen this and you’re working on it. I can be reached at FuckCarl@yahoo.
Keep up the otherwise great work and really looking forward to Sunday. Thank you.
Cable TV Subscriber