These tweets are currently undergoing the NFL’s concussion protocol.
People won't invite me over to watch football anymore because, as much as I try not to, every time the ball is snapped I scream "LOOKOUT!"— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 9, 2016
I realize now that playing football is like... 60% fun and 40% hurting other people 'cus coach is going through a divorce.— Ian Karmel (@IanKarmel) September 9, 2016
Probably the best thing about naming a kid Matt is knowing that, no matter what, they'll always have a job as a backup QB in the NFL.— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) August 23, 2016
if i was a quarterback i’d shriek “throwthrowthrow” over and over to fake out the other team. i would also go through my teammates’ wallets— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) September 25, 2016
Getting fined for dancing after a touchdown is so silly. "The gridiron is a battlefield, but the end zone is the town from Footloose!"— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 7, 2016
[after losing the big game]— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) February 25, 2016
REPORTER: what happened out there
QUARTERBACK: we lost on purpose..as a joke. i was playing bad ironically
[discussing football]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 26, 2016
Coworker: see the game, Dave?
Me [hand over mouth as I chew my sandwich for 10mins]: my grandad invented suitcases
RUDY: I love Notre Dame football coach, let me play— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) June 22, 2016
COACH: Stop coming to games with trail mix in your pockets and I'll put you in
Football Jerseys should be called Concussion Blouses— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) July 7, 2016
im just now realizing for the first time in my life how weird it was that the Dolphins quarterback was named Marino. MARINE-O. what the fuck— jon hendren (@fart) September 18, 2016
If football doesn't cause brain damage then how come so many NFL players end up owning car washes after they retire— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) May 19, 2016
I was in the park & this old lady got down on one one knee to pet her dog so I kicked a field goal with him. Everyone cheered but she died.— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 22, 2016
Nation w/high income inequality: "I know, let's get poor kids to play college football but when they take money question their character."— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) April 29, 2016
GOODELL: with the 15th pick in the NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select A Used Couch.— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) April 29, 2016
KIPER: that's gonna look great in their locker room.
If trump wins I'm gonna declare for the NFL draft because apparently now anybody can do any job— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) September 16, 2016
Nothing but college football combines my hatred of football with my hatred of college kids.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 5, 2016
i got suspended from the nfl for taping a "wet paint" sign to my jersey so nobody would tackle me— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 24, 2016
Me as an NFL commentator: the amazing thing these two teams have in common is their fans aren't very hard workers and are known to be racist— glowing lake (@bashfulcoward) September 13, 2016
[Matt Lauer interviews Goodell]— Steven Hyden (@Steven_Hyden) September 12, 2016
"Roger, what is the precise moment you decided to transition from being Goodell to Bestdell?"
If any NFL teams are interested, I'm also a bad quarterback who loves money— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 9, 2016
just scored a huge touchdown. for those of you who don't know much about sports, that means I was touching myself and I fell down— ruined pumpkin (@ruinedpicnic) May 10, 2016
*wearing a football helmet n shoulder pads*— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) September 22, 2016
uhhh don't walk in here. im jacking off before the big game pic.twitter.com/wgX4Cjw3DH
Like most NFL fans, my greatest pleasures in watching a game are Peyton Manning's commercials and unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.— David Roth (@david_j_roth) September 19, 2016
A group of Eli Mannings is called a fumble— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) September 25, 2016