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July 07, 2012

Romney goes to secure base with beloved, bigoted Rooster.


In a move that many pundits predicted, Mitt Romney has named a fictional character as his running mate.  “I saw this coming a mile away,” Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said from her 214 hydrogen-powered airship, “though the choice of a racist Looney Tunes cartoon character was a pleasant surprise .  I didn’t know the robot knew what cartoons were …”


Upon learning of the news, Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner broke into tears.  “I’m just so touched that Mitt would pick such a patriot!  I have such fond memories of watching Foghorn, and Granny, and that mean dog as a child … it just tickles me to think that a whole new generation of Americans will be exposed to Foghorn’s wisdom … and funny accent.”


Beltway insiders believe that Foghorn will align nicely with the Republican base that Romney so badly needs.  “I think it’s a given that Foghorn is anti-abortion, anti-immigration, anti-woman, and certainly no fan of civil rights,” an un-named, very tiny yellow cartoon bird with a lisp stated, “I mean, have you seen the cartoon?  I’m pretty sure he owned slaves.  They never actually show it, but it’s implicit, right?”


Romney so far has not acknowledged the non-existence of his running mate, freezing for thirty seconds every time confronted with that fact.  But birther-supporter Rush Limbaugh considers the fictionality of potential future Vice President a positive.  “So what that the Rooster’s not real.  What is real in Obama’s America,” Limbaugh blasted this morning on his radioshow, “How do we even know Obama is real?  Have you seen a real birth certificate yet?  I haven’t!  How do we even know Obama was ever born?  We don’t!”


While there has been no official statement from Foghorn Leghorn as of this posting, a Warner Bros. spokesman said that one would be coming soon.  And that’s all folks.