Full Credits

Stats & Data

94Funny
115Die
25,890
Views
June 23, 2016
Published
Description

So why would I do this? Well, I do believe in the Constitution. I believe in the 2nd Amendment. Also, the NRA has taken my family hostage and I had no other choice than to give into their crazed demands.

An Apology To The American People Regarding My Gun Vote
By: Senator Ted Cruz

Many of you were very disappointed by my vote against stricter gun control this past Monday. The majority of the American people want some sort of gun control, and the attacks in Orlando were horrific and we are all praying for the families who lost loved ones. Some would even say I have put the country in more danger by continuing to allow people on the terrorist watch list to purchase guns legally. I want you to know that your voices are being heard and I see you.

So why would I do this? Well, I do believe in the Constitution. I believe in the 2nd Amendment. Also, the NRA has taken my family hostage and I had no other choice than to give into their crazed demands.

As a U.S senator I am often faced with very difficult decisions. Such as, do I go in to rescue my family myself; do I call the police when I was explicitly directed not to, and when is reaching across the aisle more important than taking a stand and charging into what has turned into a war zone? This was clearly one of those times. Because,again, my family has been taken hostage by the NRA and I don’t want them dead.

You may be saying to yourself “Ted I’ve seen video of your family and they don’t even seem to like you, why would you sell out the country for them?” and to you I say, we have an election to win in four years!

I realize this situation should make me even more anti-gun since these lunatics are using all sorts of guns to hold my family hostage, but a man has to do what a man has to do. And in this case it is to appear like a spineless god damn coward, in order to free my family who I need very badly.

Working in Washington D.C. keeps me away from my family through a lot of the year. This is a very hard balancing act. But you know what would be even harder? If I got to see them no times of the year, cause this crazed NRA gunman puts a bullet in my sweet daughters skull. Oh god the last thing I said to Caroline was “I don’t have time for your bullshit right now” Please don’t let that be the last thing I say to her. What’s wrong with me?! I am truly a monster.

I hope that I didn’t let my constituents down. I love the great state of Texas with all of my heart. I guess, if I was to say something I didn’t love about it, it would be that we a trusting people. So trusting that when a nefarious looking man in a raincoat rings the doorbell of your families home claiming to be UPS when in reality he is a deranged employee of the National Rifle Association, we would invite him in for coffee, forcing his father to make a terrible terrible decision on the Senate floor. Sweet sweet trusting Texas.

I hope you forgive me as I have to cut this letter short because I’m told my family are currently waiting in potato sacks for me in one of Texas’s beautiful deserts.God bless America, and god bless the NRA.

Advertisement
Advertisement