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July 28, 2015

Hovering on the brink of a total economic collapse, Greece has decided to get serious about economic reform. So it made a "Go Fund Me" page.

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Hey guys,

It’s me, Greece— the country not the musical. I don’t know how many of you have been following this whole “bailout” debacle, but here’s the deal: I’m broke. And this isn’t like“bring your lunch from home” broke, this is like “Holy F***, I might have to leave the Euro Zone” broke. This whole thing with the E.U. has been really tough, and I cried in a bathroom stall for a solid 30 minutes after Merkel sent me all those mean G-chats.

I mean I get it, guys. I f*cked up. I f*cked up my economy. I f*cked up the Euro, and now everyone just thinks I’m a total f*cking loser who can’t balance a checkbook.

I really screwed the pooch on this one, and I’m SORRY.

I made mistakes. I never should have understated my deficit like I did, and I definitely shouldn’t have put my loser cousins, Stefanos and Mikos, in charge of collecting taxes when they clearly still maintain the same responsibility shirking attitudes they held in high school. I totally see this now.

But contrary to the widely publicized beliefs of a certain German Chancellor, I AM taking responsibility for “my actions.” And I’m making very real efforts to correct the situation, like making this “Go Fund Me” page.

Because honestly I can’t fix my economy all by myself. That would be totally crazy and unreasonable and like no man is an island. Figuratively of course, I have a literal thousand islands, but you get the point.

It takes a village, guys. It takes a village.

So, if you all could just please, please donate! Be it in small heartfelt donations of $25 or sums of $94.6 billion (also, maybe hold off donating in euros—just don’t know quite how that boat will float yet)— every penny counts.

And while you’re figuring out where to put that decimal, maybe now would be a good time to look back and reflect on all the amazing things that Greece has done for civilization at large. Things like: theater, philosophy, feta cheese, I mean the list just goes on and on. Wanna figure out the length of a hypotenuse? Well you can, because I invented that ish.

There would be no “Allegory of the Cave” without me, okay? No allegory and probably no cave, because Plato was Greek and he’d probably only been to Greek caves, but I digress.

I just hope when my esteemed colleagues in the E.U. vote on this whole bailout deal that they remember where that whole thing came from—voting that is. Does anybody remember who came up with the concept of “democracy”?

Hint: it wasn’t the Deutschland. But hey, that’s fine. We’re cool. Love those guys to the end of the earth or the euro—whichever comes first.

So please donate!!! Because my economy is crumbling faster than the Parthenon, which btw is really in need of some renovations so make sure to check out my other page, “Go Fund Me: The Parthenon” when you’re done here!

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