I am writing to share my deepest gratitude. Who would have ever thought that we might be allies? Me, the deadliest immigrant ever to travel to America from a Spanish-speaking country. You, the you.
Yet here we are. I am in your debt.
As you may know, it is the traditional season of bashing my name– An annual pastime that seems to dog me more and more every year. Many educated people call me vile and destructive. Almost all of them call me undeserving of my status. They argue that I’m a terrible and misguided symbol of American patriotism. It even feels like entire races of people are united against my name because of aggressions against their culture and society. If only you could understand this kind of criticism. For many of my critics, I used to be nothing more than a harmless cartoon character of their youth. Now, suddenly I’m a monster. I pray this never happens to you.
But then you came along to distract them at just the right moment, exactly when I needed it. You are a glowing hero, signore. The protests and outrage usually reserved for me are no longer available because they are exhausted on you. And you continue to fuel the fire with each comment and revelation. Your lack of understanding of the outside world, your confusing mission, your endorsement of flat-out assault, it all overshadows my exact same problems. By the time these people even remember about my whole deal, they will have nothing left. They exhausted it all on you.
You are a blessing to me this year, Signor Trump. For you, I thank the god we both opportunistically embraced so we could manipulate his most self-righteous believers.
Your brother in stupid boxy hats,
P.S. Don’t worry about LeBron endorsing Hillary. I have way more influence in Ohio. I mean, they named their freaking capital after me.