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October 15, 2017
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We’ve all woken up to the hopelessly embarrassing stench of a body rotting in the neighbor’s backyard. That’s why I’m here to offer some advice :)

NEW YORK — Police were searching late Monday for a homicide suspect, after a cadaver dog found a body buried in the backyard of a house in Bushwick, Brooklyn. An anonymous tip led police to the body which was found this past Friday in a shallow grave, wrapped in trash bags.

— CBS

Ladies, let’s be real. We’ve all woken up to the stench of a body rotting in the neighbor’s backyard. The police arrive and tape off the sidewalk, and the whole ordeal is hopelessly embarrassing for whoever left the corpse out in the summer heat. That’s why I’m here to offer some advice :)

Do not, I repeat, do NOT just toss a rotting body in a black garbage bag and leave it in the backyard. That’s not classy, and besides, it’s just plain unsanitary. Stray cats could get in, and then you’re not just dealing with a corpse in the backyard; you’re dealing with a corpse AND cat poop. Disgusting.

I know leaving a body outside is easy, but there are SO many other options available.

If you want to go traditional, just bury it! Burials are ALWAYS in fashion; they’re the black pumps of homicide. So grab a shovel (check out this adorable one by Sephora!!!). Digging might take some time, but think about the aerobic workout you’ll get. You’re keeping your garden fabulous AND saving yourself a trip to the gym.

Of course, not everyone has the time to bury a corpse in the backyard. If you’re having one of those days when you’ve been researching Latin American extradition treaties for the last twelve hours and just want to relax with a glass of Riesling and binge watch Breaking Bad (we all have our guilty pleasures :) there’s still a quick, tasteful way to get rid of that cadaver.

The city is full of Dumpsters; make some use of your tax dollars already! Dump the body in a garbage bin down the street, or even take an Uber XL to a nearby bin to get the cops off your trail. Sure, the driver might tell the police, and you may have to answer some awkward questions in an interrogation room later, but that’s nothing compared to the humiliation you’ll feel when no one shows up at your Fourth of July party because your house reeks of death.

You can get more creative, of course. Black garbage bags may be trendy in a bland sort of way, but you can take it up a notch by testing out a seasonal palette. During summer, for instance, try a sunny yellow or candy apple red bag. If you want to get crafty, consider cutting the corpse into parts and hiding each in a different location around the city (maybe in a cute pattern, like a flower or infinity symbol).

If all else fails, please just do the bare minimum and squirt some perfume in the bag. I recommend Wicked Fragrance Mist by Victoria’s Secret :)
Wicked Fragrance Mist

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