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July 01, 2015

For Immediate Release:

In a tersely worded press release a representative for the Human Race announced it would no longer be involved with Donald Trump or any products from his current or future business holdings.

Dan Gretner, VP for the Human Race, wrote, “Mr. Trump’s recent statements condemning a whole group of people as rapists is something my organization (the Human Race) cannot support or be affiliated with. In addition to the recent comments, Mr Trump’s long record of attention seeking and self-centered, hurtful grandstanding in no way represents the Human Race’s brand.”

Mr. Trump, when reached for comment, said he doesn’t need the Human Race and will “seek another species to join, like narwhals or lemurs.” Trump went on to say that he’s always admired the spunk and “can-do” attitude of the ring-tailed lemur and had already planned to develop a hotel with them.

Trump’s wife, Melania, had recently applied for membership in the Human Race. There is no word on whether she intends to withdraw her application in support of her husband.

This is only the sixth time the Human Race has cut off affiliations with an individual. Previous dissolutions include Pol Pot, Jay Leno, Katherine Heigl, the entire Nazi party, and Rick Santorum. To date, the only individuals to voluntarily withdraw membership from the Human Race are Dick Cheney and Barry Bonds.