Dear Mr. Penn,
My name’s Tim Wilkins, I’m 14 years old, and until today the only fan mail I’ve ever written to a celebrity was to Modern Family’s Ariel Winter. But, unlike the letter to Ariel, this has nothing to do with my upcoming semi formal. I write you for a much more important (and admittedly selfish) reason — I need you to please help find my dad.
I know you’re a very busy and famous man and were probably hoping this was just another letter asking for an autograph or something. But, to be honest, I don’t really know who you are, so I wouldn’t know what to do with anything signed. I do know you were in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but since I’m 14 I don’t really watch your scenes so much as I fast forward to the part where the lady in the pool takes her top off. But I’m getting off topic! I know how good you were at finding El Chapo so was hoping that you could take on the case of finding my dad next.
Four years ago, my Dad dropped me off at school, kissed me on the forehead, and said, “Bye forever, Tim.” I didn’t think much of it at the time but, looking back, the “forever” part was probably a red flag. I know this isn’t as flashy a case as El Chapo, and my dad will probably not fall for the “Rolling Stone interview” thing, but I bet if you told him he won Publishers Clearing House or something he’d open the door. OH! Or if you know how to make a Diane Lane voice on the phone?! He loves her. I don’t see her voice having much of an affectation so I bet you could make anything sound convincing — from what I hear, you’re a very good actor.
I don’t have much in the way of clues except, on my birthday last year, I got a postcard that said,“Big Sur is beautiful, wish you were here!” The “wish you were here” part was crossed out but that’s more my problem than yours. You just focus on the Big Sur, which should be a good starting point. I can’t pay you your normal salary since I’m just a dad-less boy but I do have a signed headshot of Ariel Winter that I can use as a down payment. Fair warning, it’s in “slightly used” condition.
I read online that it’s going to take up to a year to extradite El Chapo to the U.S. While I hope it doesn’t that that long to bring my dad back from wherever he is, I realize I might be waiting a while. And I don’t wanna put too much pressure on you cause I know you’re a busy man, but my mom’s been bringing this guy Bill around lately and I fucking hate him. He ALWAYS has his baseball glove on like I’m going to drop EVERYTHING to play catch with a complete stranger. (FYI, that was the first time I ever said or typed the f-word and it felt GOOD.) Anyways, I have a feeling he’s gonna try to marry her soon, so time is sorta of the essence. I realize I’m in no position to put demands on this favor you’re doing me, but I just wanted give you all the information.
So, yeah, I realize I haven’t given you a ton of clues to go on but it’s gotta be more than you had for El Chapo, right? Pops can’t be hiding out anywhere THAT private since, according to some mail of his I’ve been reading, he’s a “credit risk.” So just start at some Big Sur taverns and work your way from there. If any cater to Boston sports fans, those’ll be your best bet.
Your new fan (I promise I’ll watch Milk soon!!),