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Published September 01, 2010 More Info »
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Published September 01, 2010
  There are those situations where you find yourself accidentally eavesdropping. Not because you're nosy, but clearly the people talking want to be heard, no matter how embarrassing their topic of conversation. For me the best (or maybe it should be called the worst) happened a few years ago in a Starbucks...yes I do enjoy soft jazz and pretentious drinks, get a job you hippie. I'm just kidding, no one will hire you until you shower.
  So, while adding sugar and taste-testing my coffee, this is what I overheard:

Woman, "How long was your grandmother missing?"
Man, "Oh, 3 to 4 days, then they found the body. She wasn't dead, but they asked me, 'Does your grandmother usually swim naked in the Housatonic River?' I said no..."

I shit you not.

  How do I remember this? Well, in high school I started a quote diary. Just those everyday moments, those one-liners my friends would say and I just had to write down. Sadly most of them will only be funny to me. But in this particular situation, where I had to bolt out of the Starbucks before laughing in a strangers face, I wrote it on a piece of paper I found in my car and kept it in the diary. 
  What I still can't believe, and still remember to this day, is how casual the conversation was. It was as if they were discussing their day at work, not a missing, streaking relative! (okay I'm just going to put it out there...Grannies Gone Wild: Dentures Out...you know there's a niche market for that)

  Speaking of the elderly, there is another fond, and awkward moment that just came to mind. It occurred years ago on a cruise trip with my family. While waiting for the elevator with my sister, two elderly women were coming down the hall towards us. One of the women I believe had a lunch that must have upset her tummy because she started to toot with every step. Her timing was impeccable, like walking on whoopy cushions, it was always on the beat. Her hearing appeared to be fine because with every blow she said, "Oh dear" or "Oh my". So knowing her hearing was intact my sister and I tried out hardest to stifle our laughter, also known as the church giggles. Those moments where you know you shouldn't laugh, but can't fucking help it! Finally the elevator came, we run in and make the doors shut before rootin' tootin' granny can join us (yes I know I'm going to Hell) and then we crumple to the floor laughing.
They say with old age comes wisdom. And from these two situations I can also look forward to forgetting who I am, why I'm required to wear clothes, and farting down the river...awesome.
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