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Stats & Data

March 23, 2012

There are two sides to every debate. Read the "thank you" press release of a guy who doesn't believe.



It’s pretty crazy right? I’ve never before scored the game-winning touchdown with only 7 seconds left. There’s a lot of people I need to thank for this amazing event – it was almost like a miracle.

I wanna thank my family for supporting me, my friends for always having my back, my teammates for never giving up and being great at what they do, but most importantly, the big guy in the sky. I think you all know who I mean. Yeah. The sun.

No, I don’t mean “the son”, as in “the son of God”, I mean “the sun”, as in that glowing fireball in the sky. See, the sun is responsible for all life on earth and is our planet’s primary source of energy. Not to mention that when the sun is out, the world is a happier place. I thank the sun for being on the angle that it happened to be on today, affording us the great weather we had. Definitely raised my spirits.  

I gotta thank all the greats who came before me for inspiring me. In my house, I was raised an evolutionist. So I gotta thank the monkeys that came before me, and the tadpoles that came before them, and the freaky monkey-tadpole hybrids that came in between. Big ups to my boy Charles Darwin for working out his theory, and the monkeys for being so cool with it. You’re my family! I believe in you and your research so hard. Every night I go to sleep with a gold chain necklace that has a microscope on it.

A big shout-out to physics as well. I wouldn’t have been able to catch that ball had it not been for the trajectory created by my teammate’s arm throwing that ball. The ball became a function of time moving through space. And then I was able to receive the ball because I was in the path of the projectile. Oh, snap, I almost forgot to thank gravity for its part in this. Mad props to Mr. Isaac Newton, ‘cause if he hadn’t been sitting underneath that apple tree that day, I may never have learned that physical bodies attract with a force proportional to their mass. It allows me, once the ball is thrown, to catch the ball a few seconds later as it descends to the ground.

One thing I think the game is missing these days is real grass. I miss the days before Astroturf. I hope the league someday remembers that graminoids are among the most versatile life forms on Earth and that humans can strongly benefit from the presence of plant organisms in everyday life.  I also want to apologize on behalf of the team to any ecosystems we may have destroyed while constructing the stadium.

Note that I said us winning was “like” a miracle. Unfortunately, I know that miracles do not exist, because everything in nature has a rational and scientific explanation. In this case, our team winning the game can be chalked up to our team scoring more points than their team, and us following the rules of the game as such that it lead us to a point that we scored more points than their team. Really, when you think about it, winning a football game is just math.

Thank you, everyone. I’ll see you on the field! I will do this by having light being focussed onto my retina. All thanks to the magic, or should I say “physics” of optics, another science made possible today by my good friend the sun. May science bless America.