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Published January 22, 2013 More Info »
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Published January 22, 2013

 

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Dear Millicent,

            First off, let me apologize for not saying this to you in person because you are my pretend (read totally imaginary) soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend.

            We need to break up.

            This has not been an easy decision, but the time has come for me to move on to a real woman. Our relationship was almost too convenient for me (mainly because everything about you I made up one night only so my mom would quit asking if I was gay). I’d just like more of an adventure, or really, just to talk to an actual woman every now and then. You are a wonderful person, Millie. Please don’t think I’m doing this because of you; I might actually be insane. Don’t get me wrong, you are perfect. I mean, really. Not many guys can say that they have dated an international supermodel/astronaut/expert chef/platinum recording artist that knows eight languages and is sexually adventurous. We had a great run, you and I. You were my right hand, and when that hand got tired you were my left hand. Look at me getting all sentimental here.

            I’d rather keep this short and sweet, so in closing I would just like to say that I hope we can still be friends. I wish you all the best with your various endeavors. I will never forget you, unless the shock therapy I have later this afternoon actually works.

            Love,

                        Clark.

 

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P.S. That time I ... I mean, you dressed up as a sexy Stormtrooper was one of my favorite memories. 

 

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