Full Credits

Stats & Data

June 28, 2012

True story of what I thought was an acceptable way to earn candy money in second grade.


One time in second grade this kid dared me to show the entire class my pee pee for 5 bucks. Like any normal child, I thought this sounded like a pretty sweet deal ($5 is A LOT of candy).

After making sure the kid REALLY had $5 to give me (I wasn't going to strip for nothing like a slut), I hopped quick as a wink on top of a desk and pulled my pants down. The kids in the class all gasped and cheered. My mind reeled with thoughts such as  "I'll stop doing this when I graduate college!" and "I have so much power over them!" 

However, my pants-less tyranny was short-lived. The teacher walked in. I just about died and she just about fainted. I will never forget her expression: shock, awe and a constipated look that only comes from suppressed, salacious laughter. However, she was mad as fuck at me. I pulled my pants up so fast I’m lucky I didn’t slice my 1" wing wang off with my zipper.

(wacky chase scene, I only made it about 10 feet)

Later in the principal’s office, the principal and school psychologists asked me all kinds of weird questions, like if I was molested, a child prostitute and other things (thankfully, I was none of the above). They also did sick things with a pair of little dolls that were beyond disgusting but gave me great ideas for my act.

I explained I just wanted the money for candy. Was that so hard to fucking understand? It was totally normal behavior. I remember feeling concern for the principal and psychologists and their sick little dolls.

Then the principal asked me, “does your father do this?”, and I was like “Nope, my mom does, though.”

We soon moved from that school district, and I never got my $5.