Full Credits

Stats & Data

October 01, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The mayor of Phoenix said he's "tired, and it's hard to focus," as he attempts to live on food stamps. Said the mayor, "This really makes me thankful that I'm white."

The average wait time for veterans to receive a decision on war-related disability claims has reached 260 days. Which is a lot of time to just sit around being lazy and thinking Mitt Romney cares about you.

An explosion at a chemical factory in Japan could threaten the global supply of diapers. Causing many parents to wonder where they will now find chemicals to wrap around their infant's genitals.

State-controlled media in Iran reported a story from The Onion as if it were factual. Either that or they're going for the very rare "double punk."

In related news, the head of Reuters’s bureau in Tehran was found guilty of “spreading lies." For example, reporting that the state-controlled media thought a story from The Onion is factual.

People gathered outside Jay-Z's concert at the new Barclays Center in Brooklyn to protest the stadium's effect on the surrounding community. People getting upset after something has already been built? Wow, Brooklyn really is the new Manhattan.

Former New York Gov. David Paterson and his wife are divorcing. Said Paterson, "I did not see this coming."

In Florida, elections officials say they've discovered possibly fraudulent voter registration forms turned in by a Republican Party-associated firm. Republicans are calling the accusations unfounded, in that they can't believe anyone found out so fast.

Justin Bieber vomited twice on stage during a show in Arizona. Highlighting the pressure that these young songstresses are placed under.

City officials in Camden, N.J., are considering disbanding the police department. Double goes for finally legalizing "finders keepers."

The Russian Orthodox Church is calling on the imprisoned band members of Pussy Riot to repent for performing in a church. Likewise, they're also calling on Chris Brown to repent for performing.