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May 22, 2017
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"I’m not saying I should have been paid $110 million for cold-cocking my boss, but the 38 grand I need to cover my gambling debts would be a good start."

Last week, deceased artist Jean-Michel Basquiat’s 1982 painting “Untitled” was sold at auction for a whopping $110.5 million, making it the most expensive painting by an American artist ever sold at auction. The very same day, I was fired from Enterprise Rent-A-Car for punching my boss while he was eating a falafel. How is that fair?

I’m not saying I should have been paid $110 million for cold-cocking my boss, but the 38 grand I need to cover my gambling debts would be a good start. Otherwise there’s no way I can punch my way out of this financial hole, because my bookie is huge. Dude got a head like a cinder block.

I realize art is subjective, but my punch connected with his jaw so cleanly. It was undeniable.

My old boss won’t even give me a letter of recommendation! It’s not like I broke the hand he writes with! I was careful to stomp his non-dominant hand.

Don’t get me wrong. Basquiat deserves all the accolades he receives. The man was an innovative artist and the paintings he created are unique.But I lost my job for doing the same thing as him, but with fists.

How am I supposed to pay my mortgage now? I’ve reached out to Basquiat’s sister to see if I can crash on her couch and have sex with her, but I haven’t heard anything back. I thought artists were supposed to support unemployed strangers with a history of violence. Somewhere down the line we lost that sense of community, and it’s a real shame.

Basquiat’s painting was purchased by Japanese billionaire Yusaka Maezawa. Maybe he can help me get my job back. If not, he’s totally getting punched.

It’s not right that I got arrested Saturday for blowing PCP smoke in that cop’s face at the racetrack. Basquiat used drugs too, and people worship him! The cop looked like someone with an appreciation for people disrespecting him in front of a crowd, but he turned out to be a total poseur.The art world is full of them.

Like me, Basquiat had to deal with sniping from clueless critics who didn’t understand his vision. But he kept going because he had confidence in his work. After I headbutted my boss, several of my coworkers expressed shock and horror. The whole thing went completely over their heads.When an aggressive drunk is ahead of their time, sometimes it takes society time to catch up. In time, they’ll understand.

It’s a sad state of affairs when society values one thing over another thing.

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